Open Letter: Dear Anonymous,

Sometimes I watch you. I watch you struggle to get through the day with this burden on your shoulders. I want to help but I don’t know how. I wish I had the answers, that I could just make everything easier for you. When I look in your eyes I can almost see what you’ve seen. You’ve got the whole world pushing down on your shoulders and you’re desperately trying to push back. I see the pain in your expression when you look up and smile a crooked smile. I see that you’re hurt, I worry for you. I see you telling yourself that if you look down and just don’t speak, maybe things will be okay. But they aren’t are they? I want you to find the will within yourself to find the answer you’re looking for. I know you got it in you. I hope you find what you’re looking for because I hate seeing you so hurt.

Annoyances

I'll admit it; I can get really annoyed by the smallest thing. It just takes over and has the tendency to ruin my day. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one out there that gets annoyed. At least I hope I'm not.

This should be fun. It's the highlight of my life right now and the biggest thing I'm excited about but it seems that the more THIS person (which I dub Susan) gets involved, the more I'm getting annoyed.

I know sooner or later it will explode. It has too. It normally does. I just truly hate it when someone (Susan) needs everything done her way, that only Susan's way is the right way. To be honest, it pisses me off. What makes Susan think she is the most qualified to make that acquisition? Who cares if I'm doing it wrong. I'm young. I've never done something like this before. LET ME LEARN! Isn't that a part of growing up? Making your own mistakes and learning from them. Well Susan let me learn my own mistakes and back off.

I Don't Hate You.

I honestly have been trying to write this blog for days now but for the life of me, I can't. With all these emotions and feelings going through my system I can't seem to get them out. Normally when writing on this blog the words just come to me and it just spills out but for some reason this time... nothing. Nothing is coming out.

I have things to get off my chest but I can't seem to word them. They make no sense when spoken out loud. I've tried re-wording everything in my head multiple times but they just seem pathetic when said. I hate it when you can't put thoughts into words.

I'm just having one of those moments. But I have to get this out there, so it's not all just brewing inside my head. Yuck! Have you ever felt like your world was standing still but at the same time falling apart? It totally sucks!!! I just don't know what to do any more. Sometimes when situations get to the point where they’re at that point…it’s best to cut ties.

You can swear to this day that I hate you and I was terrible to you and that everything I did made no sense to you… But that’s because you’re an idiot, silly. I don’t hate you. I just don’t understand you. What I do hate, however, is stupidity. And quite possibly those that carry it on their sleeves. I can’t decide how much your stupidity is affecting my feelings of you, but I know it can’t be any good.

So please. Don’t be one of those guys. The ones we used to talk about. The ones we used to swear were the worst? The one you’ve turned into one. Or maybe you were one all along. Maybe I’m just now noticing. But as stupid as you may act and as ridiculous as you may be, I still don’t hate you.

But as of now, I love me a lot more.

Past, Present, Future

Do you ever stop yourself for a moment and remember the past? Remembering times whether it was a good experience or bad? Life is surly full of them and your life doesn’t exist without. Do you know the saying; forget the past, live in the present and look forward to the future? Do you agree or disagree?

In terms of living the in present and look forward to the future; I one hundred percent agree. I believe life is too short to worry about small things that happen within each day. Just live it. Make that day the fullest it can be. Granted you will get stress or upset as some things come into the picture but I always try to think in the future. Know that sooner or later it will be alright whether it’s just a couple days, weeks, months or even years from then. You’re life won’t always be that horrible day.

But in terms of forgetting the past; I have to disagree. The past is the past and we can’t change it but I think it can change us. The past is something that forms you. It’s part of you. It makes you and always will be whether it’s good or bad. Everybody has those bad and good days. Everybody always tries to forget them but why? I believe it’s those bad days that you learn from. Those are the days that you grown from. They help you grown into well, you. You make yourself a better person. Now, why would you want to forget something that made you a better person?

I’m not saying you need to keep some horrible day that you went through fresh in your memory. I’m just saying; it will come to use. Someday in the near future you might be in some kinda of situation where knowing how you dealt with it beforehand will help. It’s just something that I recently learned.

Daily Blog: Paint!

I've decided to do something a little bit different on this blog. My normal postings aren’t typical blog post. I take something that happened within that day and make that post all about that main theme. In yesterday’s case, I was in a jam of needing to take a risk and how important it was that I take a risk to move forward, and to not be afraid to take a risk when the time comes. Two days ago; I was asked why I wasn’t and haven’t been in a relationship in a while and I felt that I needed to state my case… etc. etc. Long story short, I don’t do the ‘this is what my day was like’ post until now.

I’m going to start to randomly do those varieties of post.

Today, Nick and I went shopping for a couple things for the house. Yes, I did say house. I don't think I've mentioned the fact on this blog before. About a couple months ago we were offered to rent out a house through Nicks sister, Holly. She gave us a good offer and we couldn’t give it up and everything went from there. Now, as the move in date is just 12 days away everything is getting stressful. I didn’t realize it’s going to be his hard to move into a place with two of my close friends. Should it be this hard?? Shouldn’t it be easier?? I’ve been told it’s a horrible idea to have friends as roommates but I always thought that we wouldn’t have any problems because we were such good friends. But, as the time gets closer and the matter of getting things down for the house, I can’t help but not get stressed about it and it’s driving me insane. I’m hoping once we’re actually in the house and the essentials are bought. Things will get better and easier.

On a better note and to the point of this blog post, we got paint! Nick and I got the paint that we’ll be using for our bedrooms. He’ll be painting his room Cornflower which is of course a blue and I’ll be painting my room Pigeon Gray which is clearly stated what color it is. We went to our good friends, Wal-Mart and got to visit our lovely friend, Mr. Paint Man. He was just as creepy and weird but just as cool as the first time we’ve seen him. We even got somewhat of a stink eye from him when Nick and I decided we wanted to sword fight each other with the big 5 gallon paint stir sticks. It was pretty epic when we noticed he was watching us.

We should be starting to paint every soon which I’m pretty excited about because who doesn’t love to paint. I know I sure do which means it's just another step closer to actually moving into the house. :]]

Risks.

Sometimes you just have to do what feels right. You are not always able to know whether it will be right ten years from now, but sometimes you just have to take that chance. Risks can provide you with some of the best feelings in life. They can also provide you with some of the worst feelings in life. Either way it is important to have experience with different kinds of feelings whether that feeling is ecstatic, fear, or heartbroken.

I have definitely had my fair share of feelings. If you know me very well at all you should already know that. I have taken at least a couple of major risks, but I hope to take more in the future. Sometimes there is someone or something that you have to trust. Whether it is yourself you are trying to trust or someone else, eventually your heart just tells you that you need to have faith in something or someone. I believe that it is natural human nature to feel that way. There are times we need to just peel the layer of protection off of our hearts. We need to have faith in ourselves and others enough to be open to trust...

Love?!?!

Believe or Don’t Believe??

Don’t Believe! Before you start to judge me and pull you’re so young you've got your whole life to find and/or fall in love with someone. Well, 21. I’ve lived a good part of my life and I can truly say at this point in my life. I feel that love just isn’t for me. I’m just not cut out for it. With everything that I’ve been through in my life it’s just taught me that love is just pointless and warped into something that it clearly isn’t.

When growing up as a little girl, I was told that love is this magical feeling. That it will bring me happiness, joy, peace and trust. Love has brought everything but that into my life. I’ve been through pain, heartache, betrayal, abuse, hate, lies, and unfaithfulness. I’ve been ripped apart into pieces and then ripped again into smaller pieces. I’ve been crushed. I’ve been broken. I’ve been shattered and after many years of trying to feel the need of having love in my life… I’ve learned my lesson.

Love has taught me that I’m just better off on my own because you can only trust yourself. With every relationship that I’ve had it has ended in cheating, abuse, death and/or pain. Now, why would I keep looking for something like that? I’m better off being alone and having my own faith in my hands. I don’t want to have to depend on a man to make me feel good about myself. I don’t want to have to depend on a man to make me feel loved and beautiful. I don’t want to have to depend on a man to tell me that I’m worth something in this world.

I should be able to do that all on my own and someday I hope I can do that on my own. So, please stop asking me when I’m going to have someone because I honestly have no answer for it.

Friends ♥

Who puts up with my loud mouth, odd behavior, ridiculous conversations, and overall fun-obsessed and zaney personality? Those road trips? Shopping? Movies? Bowling? Parties? Old school sleepovers? Late night dinners? Girl’s night outs? Name it and we're all over it. I've known a few of my friends since elementary, middle school, the beginning of high school, and now; but new or old we're ridiculous. Sometimes getting into trouble is hard to avoid with us.

Remember those funny stores and inside jokes? Everybody has them, School Tunnels? Sex Noises, Covering Strawberries, Christmas Lights in November, Lion Hair, and Fart Bubble Gum. It's what friendships are made of. They don't happen over night or in just a few days, you can't pick your best friends either; they just happen. It's like gravity. But as time continues to push forward everyone is spreading out in different directions and going our separate ways. Some we might never see again, others are still attached to our hips.

I’m simply stating this; it’s the knowing that no matter how much you get annoyed, aggravated, and just getting lost in touch with your friends. You know that they will always be there for you even at those rough times, you will get back together someday and laugh at those days and brush them off your shoulders.

And that’s why I truly love my friends.

Press Play and Repeat

I have a tendency to find songs I really like...and then put them on repeat for a few hours straight. I song binge, I'll admit it. I'm not sure why either, because only a few days later I'll end up getting so sick of the song that I won't be able to listen to it for months, except Josh Groban. For him and for some reason unknown, I can listen to over and over for years at end. I was first introduced into him by my father. Yes, out of everybody that could introduce to a singer like Josh Groban it ended up being my dad. It was a complete shock to my family. Let’s just say, my dad was a big fan of groups like ZZ Top, George Thorogood, and Queen and for him to all of a sudden be a big fan of Josh Groban… it was just plain weird.

Back in 2001, my father came home with a DVD of Josh Groban In Concert. He played it all the time. Just about every night for a solid month or so that DVD at one point or another was in the DVD player. It was annoying. Day after day listening to him even I didn’t listen to a song that often. Finally one day my dad asked me to sit down and watch some of it with him. As I sat down on the couch, Josh Groban started ‘Let Me Fall’ and I was hooked. My eyes glued to that TV like it was gold. Beyond his incredible voice, the lyrics to this song are so touching and fit perfectly with his voice. I was lost in the world of Josh Groban. To this day, I can listen to him non-stop. With 4 albums out and the 5th on its way his voice just gets more breathe taking with each song. It truly transforms a song into a master piece. With my top favorite singles, You’re Still You, You Raise Me Up, You Are Loved (Don’t Give UP), and February Song his voice will always be remarkable.

To get to my point: I'm aware I'm not the first to suffer from song binging, but seriously, why do we do it? Too much of a good thing can be bad, right? Like too much of a brownie sundae with extra chocolate will make you gain weight, and too much sleeping during the day will make you late to work but despite how much I know that I go through songs like chap stick. I know, deep down, deep deep deep down. I will and always will have Josh Groban as a binge that will never be fixed and I’m perfectly happy with that.

Journal Confessions

Keeping journals are an important way to keep your thoughts together. I’ve had one ever since I was young, though I refuse to call them diaries. To me, they’re my way to vent and understand what’s going on in my life at the time. I used them to help figure out exactly what I was feeling and to get me through many situations that I couldn't ask for help with. They helped me cope and grow.

My most recent entries from the past few years are all scribbled out on loose notebook paper or in the online journaling known as livejournal. I would rant long paragraphs that most were about boys and heartache. Some entries were about bad friendships or bad night outs. A few were feelings on a situation that had broken me down into a deep depression. Some were about dealing with death in the family. Some were dealing with being cheated on--more than a few times by different guys.

Looking back and re-reading them I could remember what I was going through when I wrote the entries and knew it was something I didn't want to feel again. A few of them reminded me of who my real friends were. A few of them reminded me of the good times I had with family and friends. But as I grow older, I need some place new. Some place new to stare my memories, pain, feelings, and just random rambles. So, to us blog! We'll become great friends.