One Breath At A Time.

I don’t know how to breathe.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. What was once a natural born instinct is now something I find myself struggling with. For most people, breathing is done exactly opposite of how it should be! Studies show that around 40% of us breathe incorrectly. Breathing is more than just the process of taking oxygen and carbon dioxide in and out of the lungs. Breathing regulates your state of mind, your emotions, your concentration and so much more. Learning to breathe the right way will help you to be healthier, calmer and give you the ability to handle stressful life situations. Plus, it just makes you feel better! And who doesn’t want to feel better, to live a happier and more peaceful life?

Think back to the first time you stood up and gave a speech infront of your high school class. Your palms sweated. Your heart pounded. Your voice quivered. Your stomach felt nauseous. That nervousness, fear, stress and anxiety wouldn’t have existed if you had known how to properly breathe. It’s normal to tense up and resort to shallow breaths or hold your breath completely when faced with fear. But what many people don’t realize is our body’s natural defensive mechanism is flawed! Physical, mental, and emotional stress all put extreme strain on our bodies. We get ourselves so worked up to the point where we can’t even breathe! It’s that breath before the first kiss. Or those gasps during the last mile of the race. If we just knew how to steady our breathing we would be ok.

After watching the movie, Million Dollars Baby... I learned that as a fighter you're taught the importance of proper breathing. When the fight is on your feet, you gain more power in your punches and kicks if you exhale on their release. When you’re tossed on your back in the middle of the octagon and the fight is on the ground, your body is tense, but you have to train your mind to relax. In that vulnerable position, you must control your breathing and not panic while fists are raining down on your face! Of course that’s always easier said than done, but anything in life worth doing is always easier said than done. Proper breathing is no exception to that rule. And while I may now know how to properly breathe while fighting, if I’m ever in the cage, it’s likely I’ve forgotten everything I was taught!

Breathing is one of those things that most of us don’t pay attention to. As I’m writing this, I’m breathing. In fact, I’m writing ABOUT breathing and I’m not even THINKING about breathing. While my body may be automatically performing this essential task for me in order to sustain life, it’s not necessarily doing it in the best possible way. Breathing is one of the few bodily functions that can be controlled both consciously and unconsciously. The goal here is to learn the proper techniques to conscious breathing. Then, with practice, those same techniques will soon become second nature to your body. The final result will be new and improved unconscious breathing! Basically, we are perfecting the art of breathing...one breath at a time.

To breathe correctly, you must divide the breath into three parts - lower abdomen, middle abdomen, and chest. When inhaling, first fill up the lower abdomen with air, then the middle abdomen, and last the chest. When exhaling, the air in the chest goes out first, then the middle abdomen, and lastly the lower abdomen. You must physically push the abdomen out when inhaling and in when exhaling. (That is not a typo.) When done correctly, there is no need to pull the abdomen in because it is done effortlessly. If you can consciously breathe the right way by forcing the abdomen out during inhalation your body will soon pick up this rhythm. The human brain has many functions and one of them is to follow the breath. Breathing is not about just holding the breath in or out, it’s about breathing long and deeply. Do this by breathing very slowly, using the full capacity of your lungs and completely exhaling. The best way to breath properly is to build up little by little. As the lung's capacity starts to expand, your mind becomes calmer and clearer.

The magic of breathing starts when you master exhaling. During exhalation there is a natural urge to inhale immediately after exhalation due to the discomfort it initially brings. When this natural tendency calms down you will be able to reach a higher level of consciousness. Retraining your body to breathe this way is harder than it sounds. But remember, anything worth doing in life is always easier said than done. Although I’m quite confident that once you learn how to properly breathe, it will be one of the best things you’ve ever done for yourself. Your stress will decrease and your focus will increase. Everyone seeks balance in life and breathing is the first step to finding that balance. So steady your breathing. And take it slowly, one breath at a time.

Moving On Is A Hard Thing To Do

It's OK. You can tell me what I've been telling myself for months. This is so pathetic. MOVE ON ALREADY! I think there should be some sort of special goggles you can wear when you're in the presence of "that guy." You know, the one you're sure, beyond a doubt that you're over him; and then you see him, and those annoying feelings start bubbling up to the surface yet again. I know I would invest in a hefty supply of said goggles. Stupid Marco (Polo)!


What in the heck sort of power does this guy have over me? I'm an intelligent, independent woman, so why is it that every time I see him, I morph into this 13-year-old again? I'm pretty sure he doesn't think we're even remotely compatible, and franktly, I'm not so sure we are, either.


But you know what's even worse (or annoying....I haven't decided yet)? I think my friends may have been right, at least in part. Maybe hes fear did stop him from seeing where things would go with us. After all, I had created this fantasy in my head for the last year or so, and the moment we were remotely moving toward that fantasy. I pushed him and in which, he recoiled. Yes, probably in fear. But don't we all do that?


I tried giving him space to think these over but in the end... I continued to push. I was scared. We're all so scared that the fantasy we'd built in our heads is all we'll ever have (or want?) that maybe we'd rather just have that instead of, well, the inevitable heartbreak that would probably come with reality. 


I guess I just love that damn fantasy too much. That's not fair to me or him, I know, but how can I change the thought patterns I've had for a year or so? And again, maybe I'm just too afraid to try. 


But the question still remains: Why do I keep opening these flood gates? Desperation? Craziness? I'm not sure, honestly. 


What do you think? Am I really as hopelessly hopeless as I think?

When I'm Dead And Gone.

I can't be the only one who has ever had this though cross their mind. I would think that anyone who keeps a personal blog, a diary or any type of journal has pondered this same question. "I wonder what people will say as they read this blog...when I am dead and gone." Anyone else ever thought about that? Perhaps it's a morbid thought, however I have been told on many occasions that I tend to have morbid thoughts. There are some things I have written about in this blog that even my closest family and friends are clueless about. If they did know about it, I worry that it might scare them, that they would be unable to handle my raw truths. Or perhaps a bigger fear is that I couldn't handle what they would think of me, what I would leave behind to be remembered by. I suppose if I could foresee my inevitable upcoming death, I could delete all I've written on the web. Although as we all know, a delete key never fully erases your electronic trail. Whether I like it or not, my blog will have a way of living on, long after I'm dead and gone.

For people who allow themselves to be totally and completely honest about who they are and their lives, any form of a personal journal can be very hurtful or confusing to loved ones. And I imagine that pain would only intensify after one's death. Because let's face it, to be truly honest with oneself is to admit to the various aspects of one's character in all its humanity, both well-intentioned and spiteful.

Your reactions to life's events, the experiences you have lived, your genuine opinions of friends, acquaintances, strangers...it all requires a great deal of resolve. Not to mention releasing one's deeply held thoughts and feelings. To release genuine honestly from one's own mind and heart, from you very being and to share it with others, it's not only brave but also complex given that the repercussions can resonate infinitely.

And the sometimes a journal is simply a place to vent about a situation, confrontation or a misunderstanding which soon after it occurs is resolved and even forgotten. I'm reminded of a scene in the chick flick "Bridget Jones' Diary" when, after she and Mark Darcy admit their mutual feelings, Mark finds Bridget's journal and reads her initial opinions of him. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who has yet to see the film (even though it's an old movie), but those who've seen it know what follows.

Nerd Rant - The Avengers

I only watched one movie this week and it was the only movie that I needed to see. To say that this is now one of my favorite movies wouldn't even do my excitement and passion justice. I sat in my seat, squirming, bouncing up and down, and beaming with joy as I endured one of the greatest cinematic experiences of my life. Yesterday, I watched THE AVENGERS.

I love superheroes. While I've always had a huge geek crush on Iron Man, over the past few years my fascination with all of the other superheroes has only exploded. I can't have enough of Captain America, Batman, Green Lantern, just to name a few. I can't stop gushing about it to whoever is within earshot. It was just absolute perfection. Well, obviously it's The Avengers.

I love all of the superheroes involved in this movie. Although I was never a fan of the Hulk, this movie and Mark Ruffalo completely changed my mind. The chemistry between Black Widow and Hawkeye wooed me. RD Jr. as Iron Man knocked my socks off for the third time. And who doesn't love the hotties Cap America and Thor? And Loki, even though he may be bad, is one awesome badass. I literally love every character in this movie. And as someone who needs to care about characters to care about the story, I was set. As the movie neared the end, I craved more story, more character, more everything and anything that I could wrap my gushing heart around.

This movie is hilarious, mind you it was directed by Joss Whedon, no need to say more. While I love the characters they play, the actors themselves are brilliant together. They all just seem to glow, and I laughed til I cried. I genuinely adore these characters and they just happened to have damn funny things to say.

After all, who doesn't love a superhero? Anyone who doesn't have even a slight interest in superheroes is a liar. They are some of the most fascinating "people" that we "know." We all admire something in them and they are all human enough that we can somehow relate to each one of them. Whether we're cocky, dorky, brainy, or strong, we can relate to superheroes, we respect them, and therefore, we will always love them. So thank you Avengers, for keeping the nerdy girl alive and well within me.

So, about those love bombs.

Romance and love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes, it's so obvious that you have feelings for someone; it's as if the emotions can't leap out of your chest fast enough, and you find yourself tripping over your words. Then, other times, you find yourself in a minefield of confusion. Love bombs, as I call them, keep going off, but you don't know which ones are directed at you and which ones you're simply reading too much into.

I, obviously, tend to follow the second path, both hurling love bombs in the air and not knowing what to do with the ones that I find rolling toward my feet. I received this interesting comment in response to talking with a friend over some similar subject.

"Relationships are not like your college classes. You can't "study" for life experiences like dating."

Wouldn't it be great if love was like that? If there was some sort of manual to read, full of how-to guides and checklists for every situation you could possibly encounter. Even though the romantic side of me would hate it, the rational part of me would love a scientific, logical approach to dating.

I'd love a handy how-to guide for telling someone you like them - a list of possible things to say, perhaps. It would certainly squelch a lot of those butterflies. If you think about it, it sort of makes sense. There's no questioning how you feel about someone, and the person on the receiving end never has to wonder how you feel about them. Everything is out in the open. No pretense. No secrets. No hiding the truth, or even being afraid that your true feelings will seap through without your knowing. There's a certain sort of freedom with knowing that you don't have to hide how you feel, isn't there, boys? You don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing or about the other person judging you.

Wouldn't it be amazing if men and women were just honest with each other, if we shared our emotions openly and let someone know how we truly felt about them? Maybe we're all just making things more difficult than they need to be. I don't know about you, but there's always that person that makes you come undone. I'm excited for the day I can just blurt out, "I like you" to that someone. That's it. Just those 3 little words. It sums up exactly how I feel without any fancy speeches or beating around the bush. What do you think that would look like? What would you think if I actually did that? And really, what exactly are we afraid of?

So tell me, boy...how do I know if you like me? What's your go-to move for telling a girl you like her?

Your First Instinct.

I'd be so much better off if I could just stick with my natural reaction to things. Most of the time, my gut has initially made the right choice. But then I start over-thinking and second guessing myself...and that's when I start to make bad choices. That's the story of my life. When my gut pipes up, I need to listen. And when I listen, I need to stick with what it said. I need to stop changing my mind. 

But it's like I don't want to miss out on an opportunity, so I try everything. But what I need to do is act more often on my first instinct and just stick it out, because every time I do the opposite, I'm the one who is metaphorically screwed. (Helloooo, crap-fest that was my last breakup/make up/everything going to Hell.)

There's all these different options: do you follow your head, your heart, your gut? I'm not really sure. But if I had to listen to one and only one, I'd listen to the one that made its decision first. It's just like in school when they tell you to stick with your original answer on a test. Why? Because you're usually right. And after making so many mistakes, I'd like to be right on the first try for once.

This Girl Can't Help It.

As much as we may deny it, I think in the back of our minds we all yearn for that happy ending. We all want things to be smooth sailing and clear waters. We want things to be simple but somehow work out.

Very rarely does this ever happen.

Yet, when things are working out, we find ourselves wondering what's going to go wrong. Things are too good to be true, right?? I know I wish I could live in a moment without wondering when the crash and burn is going to kick in and kick me out.

Because I never thought I could have all this. I never thought this would happen to me. I'm so happy, things are looking up and it's just...skyrocketing. I have my bad days, but now I have great days.

Although we may be raised on rainbows and fairy tales, I don't want to get hurt. As hard as I may try to focus on the good days, I find myself warily looking over my shoulder as to what's coming next.

Because I never thought I could have all this.

Life is too short to be anything but happy.

I saw this quote while I was browsing Tumblr today: "life is too short to be anything but happy." It was one of those inspirational quotes, put over a crappy, edited photo with hipster font. And although I usually just read posts like those and keep scrolling, this one struck a chord with me. Because last night, I realized that it's true.

I may be sad every once in a while, but I need to try being happy. We all have a story that may have more downs than ups. But once we see everything for what's it worth...why not be happy? I smiled and laughed more the other night than I have in about a month. And it felt great. Sure, I'm still bummed every once in a while over the reasons why I haven't been laughing, but they can't control me anymore. I don't want to spend my life being upset over things I can't control. I want to spend it enjoying everything in some way.

So here's to a new beginning.

How many times have you gotten in the way of yourself?

I can't stop thinking about it. It's barely been twenty-four hours and I feel like I've completely shattered my world from the floor up. I'm tired of being so brash, I'm tired of living my life like it's a series of important decisions.

For once, I'd like to just live. Especially in the present. I've been so wrapped up in the future that I forgot about what was right in front of me. I took what I had for granted. I saw an escape from what I thought wasn't good enough so I threw it carelessly out the window.

I don't know what's going on with me. More than ever, I want to fix it.

Maybe I should tried harder, maybe I could actually be patient and see if this works out. If it is anything at all. Maybe I should be more appreciative of the situation I'm in. Enjoy these feelings. I keep putting the blame elsewhere but it truly should be resting with me. And now that I'm alone, it is. But I could never let it before. It's hard to deal with myself right now. I'm truly not proud of what I've done.

Maybe I'm Not So Different

I grew up with two older brothers and a two sisters. One younger and the other older. Secretly I've always wished to have had a closer relationship with my older sister or mother as a child, but without that relationship I've realized I've grown up a little different than most girls. Unlike the girls I know, I didn't grow up playing dress up and trying to put on Mommy's make up. I never tried strutting around in heels that I stole from my Mom's closet. I didn't listen to the 'in' music or wear the trendy name-brand clothing. I wasn't really into shopping. Gossip didn't exist in my world, and neither did crazy make-over parties. I didn't go out and get manicures and pedicures, which to be honest, I've still never had either.

What did I grow up with? I grew up with comic books, trading cards, pogs (I still don't know what those were for), video/computer games (old Doom anybody?), catching grasshoppers, water gun fights, watching wrestling, action movies, and gameboys. My life growing up consisted of not caring about things like buying the latest clothes or having the coolest toy. I didn't talk about the other girls in my school and wish I could be like them. I was very much an easy-going tomboy.

To this day I'm a blend of the two: girly girl and tomboy. I do enjoy shopping and occasionally I like to do some amazing make-up, but I still play video games and like to spend time with the guys. I always have gotten along better with guys, too. My personality fits that of a guy as I have been told many times before. I don't freak out over the little, insignificant things that most girls would. Most things just roll off my shoulders. I'm incredibly easy-going and I'm somewhat of a slob. I'm pretty spontaneous, I don't really plan things in advance, I just do them when I feel like it. I've been known for belching contests or wearing the same pants for a week straight (they just fit better that way...). But don't be fooled! I love clothing and sometimes it takes me an hour to find something to wear. I fix my hair like I'm suffering from OCD. I love girls night outs and talking about boys. So in the end, I guess I'm really not too different from your average girl. But you'll still never catch me complaining about breaking a nail (unless it actually hurt).

Have you ever done something simply because you knew it was the right choice, whether you wanted it to be or not? And then wanted to hate yourself for it after, although you couldn't? I hate being logical and always trying to think ahead. I definitely hate how somethings just make sense when they don't. I'm always trying to be the smart, respectful girl who does the right things. Looking out for my future and trying to take care of myself so everyone is proud of me. I like being looked up to because I have a good head on my shoulders and because I think before just doing. I make the right decisions, it's just like a simple, well-known fact. But right now, I just hate how right can be wrong and there's no inbetween. I guess all there is to do is to keep my chin up and keep pushing through--like I always do--even though I feel like I'm in this completely alone.

Flirting?!?

The concept of flirting terrifies and confuses me at the same time. Uhh what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to act?

I guess I don't understand why I should flirt when it's been pounded into my head that I should always be myself.

If I'm flirting, or, err attempting to flirt, I'm not being me. I'm the awkward, fumbling, blushing girl that doesn't know how to make small talk. I'm hardly a suave, smooth-talking babe, needless to say. So if I put on that persona to impress someone, doesn't that mean that they'll always expect that from me, even if it's not who I am?

I can't lie. It'd be nice to be able to charm any guy off the street. To whip my hair, wink, and talk "cute." But I can't do it. I'm not that girl. And if that means I'm missing some vibes? Well, that sucks. So I guess if someone is interested in me, then they'll have to get to know me enough that they know they have to wear a sign saying they're interested. I don't give out vibes and I sure can't receive them. That's normal...right?

I Tend to Never Forget. Ever.

Here's a fair warning: I remember. EVERYTHING.

This means if you plan on lying, deceiving or hurting me, I will remember it all for the rest of my life, and hell will most likely come crashing upon you.

Don't believe me? I can recall the conversation I had the first time I held hands with a boy: in the back of a bus....in the fifth grade. I remember the outfit I was wearing (now that I think about it I remember his outfit too) when I had my first kiss. I remember the text I sent when I found out my friend was dating a guy I had adored for nearly two years. I remember it all.

I have an incredibly fierce memory, and this is to be handled carefully. I advise and welcome others to take this fact and pick it apart, especially when considering testing me or trying to re-gain my trust. If you hurt me in the past, I can simply bring that moment back and flesh it out in my mind to the point where it seems like it happened yesterday. This is a beautiful curse. This is also why I find it so terribly hard to let go of grudges, and it's even harder for me to forgive (when I actually do forgive - a rare occurrence for me.)

So...just don't mess up. Because I'll never let you forget, my friend. I will never forget. I gave you fair warning.

Plus, I will most likely write about it. Eventually.

As you have noticed,

I've been very off with blog posts, mostly because life has definitely taken over. My thoughts consist of just a few things lately and barely nothing but that anymore. As always, I'm trying to be the optimistic, smartass and highly sarcastic person I am about everything to make things not so difficult and frustrating. Spending time with friends are a must, so is immersing myself in work and trying to pick up as many shifts as I can. But what about him.... my mind can't seem to get him out.

Realizations.

No matter how hard you try,

things can't always be as clear as black and white.

Sometimes you just really have to put yourself out there

if you ever want to get anything back.

Valentine's Day--What We're Really Thinking?

It all started back in the middle ages, but no one seems to know the real story behind St. Valentine. Not that it seems to matter nowadays; Valentine's Day is all about ridiculous cards, stuffed animals, candy and chocolates, and romantic evenings. The one day of the year where everyone decides to show that they have feelings, but on February 15, we're all back to normal.

I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day for many reasons, but a big one being the cheesy nature of this "holiday". Really, what's the point in buying flowers and chocolates for your girlfriend and setting up some big romantic night for just the two of you? And why can't this happen on any other day of the year, why just one night out of all the 365? I've only ever celebrated this holiday once, not by choice, and it wasn't even any of the above.

My personal opinion on the matter? It's just another one of those days where us singletons get to revel in the fact that we are currently alone. Just another day to remind ourselves that there's no one lining up at our doors to take us out on some extravagant, one-night-of-the-year kind of date. So that leaves us with two options: being depressed or completely forgetting what day it is (until you get a million text messages on your phone telling you Happy Valentine's Day from your friends and your plan is foiled). And then you think to yourself, although vowing to never admit it aloud, "Well...there's always next year." Because secretly, deep down, everyone who says they hate Valentine's Day is more likely than to be lying through their teeth.

Under My Skin.

Well, it takes all of my strength to be stable

and I force your insults under the table.

And if you were wise, you would compromise

and allow me to live my way.

'Cos I am not a force to be reckoned with,

and you don't have no clue what you're messin with.

You can't see to the best in me

'cos it's more than your heart can take.

And hiding beneath my blankets and sheets

I'm finally free

I'm killing the ghost of you

and I'm close to awakening me.

-A. Nalick

I was debating on writing this post just because of the fact that it'll show that I'm letting one person upset me as much as he is which shouldn't be the case. But I can't deny how incredibly annoyed I am.

How many variations of "leave me the fuck alone" do I need to express before this person gets it? I have far more relevant things to worry. The last thing I want on my plate is a stalker ex boyfriend who has nothing better to do than to act like a child and throw a fit when he's not getting the attention he wants. It's pathetic.

I really believe I'm the most forgiving person in the world,
so for a person to strike out, they must be one messed up mothafucker. 

Just sayin.

Crushing Is Crushing Me

I hate crushes. I hate the word 'crush' on its own. It sounds so painful; I mean I crush spiders. Yet here I am. This is me, having a crush on a guy and feeling totally lame about it at the same time. And that happens every time I have a crush on a guy. I feel mega lame because he's all I can think about for God knows what reason and he probably hasn't even had my name cross his mind since we've kissed.

Now, I can honestly admit that I don't remember exactly everything that happened taking an count of the alcohol. I couldn't tell you why or how it happened. Who kissed who first or who led it on. I can certainly tell you that while we were falling asleep I was thinking about him laying next to me holding my hand. My stomach dropped just thinking about it.

They keep telling me how cute it is that I'm crushing on this guy, but I feel like a dork. I'd feel a lot better if I knew how he felt about our make-out session. If he only did it because he was drunk. Fine. I'll deal with that.

My life is twisted in knots

and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say.

In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself. I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in.

I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself. I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let "time" undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up and go day by day.

My Mind is a Mix Tape.

The things that I have no control over are the things that cut me the deepest. The things I can't change are the things that keep me up at night. The things I have nothing to do with are the things that wont leave me alone. My mind gets the best of me. I know I'm an over-thinker, but this feels much deeper than that. I'm letting myself get worked up over things that I can't do anything about -- and it's tearing me apart.


I have no reason to be this way. But I can't figure out how to let things go and get them off my mind. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't change anything and nothing will ever change. It's all history, set in stone, stuck in the past. Yet I'm still dwelling on it. Even though it's truly none of my business, I'm letting it kill me. I wish I knew how to escape it. I wish I knew how to let it go. I know I can't go back and erase things, or change things to my liking but if I had the chance I would in a heartbeat.