Have you ever done something simply because you knew it was the right choice, whether you wanted it to be or not? And then wanted to hate yourself for it after, although you couldn't? I hate being logical and always trying to think ahead. I definitely hate how somethings just make sense when they don't. I'm always trying to be the smart, respectful girl who does the right things. Looking out for my future and trying to take care of myself so everyone is proud of me. I like being looked up to because I have a good head on my shoulders and because I think before just doing. I make the right decisions, it's just like a simple, well-known fact. But right now, I just hate how right can be wrong and there's no inbetween. I guess all there is to do is to keep my chin up and keep pushing through--like I always do--even though I feel like I'm in this completely alone.

Flirting?!?

The concept of flirting terrifies and confuses me at the same time. Uhh what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to act?

I guess I don't understand why I should flirt when it's been pounded into my head that I should always be myself.

If I'm flirting, or, err attempting to flirt, I'm not being me. I'm the awkward, fumbling, blushing girl that doesn't know how to make small talk. I'm hardly a suave, smooth-talking babe, needless to say. So if I put on that persona to impress someone, doesn't that mean that they'll always expect that from me, even if it's not who I am?

I can't lie. It'd be nice to be able to charm any guy off the street. To whip my hair, wink, and talk "cute." But I can't do it. I'm not that girl. And if that means I'm missing some vibes? Well, that sucks. So I guess if someone is interested in me, then they'll have to get to know me enough that they know they have to wear a sign saying they're interested. I don't give out vibes and I sure can't receive them. That's normal...right?

hiatus.

I need one. Just to figure some stuff out.