Lounge Talk: The Phrase; "How Are You?"

Hello there? How are you?

Be honest, don't you hate that sometimes? When someone looks at you in the eye and asks you how you are when you both clearly know you are just plain crappy? I do. Oh yes, I do. Why? Because they caught me. Though I was to smart wearing this mask of "fine", but once someone asks how I am, I break. It's comforting, revelaing, and taunting. Comforting because someone finally cares to ask... taunting because now you have to face the truth. The mess you are in that you created... well of course is this about me, I don't know about you.

So, how much longer can I hold it together? Eh. The exact question would be, how much longer can I put this off? I am in the biggest tug-o-war that I have ever had to fight with. My sanity is holding on the by the finger and I just to want to see what happens if I just let go. My heart strings are as thin as a pin now, not left  with as many as I started with. This overpowering shadow of solitary has been the creator of the tears I wish would end.

Where am I?

I'm okay during the day, I feel on top of the world and its easy to ignore all of this. But, once I'm alone. I'm lost. I have nothing to do bu collect my thoughts and sort through them like a filing cabinet. When I do fall asleep, I'll dream about it. It has been an ongoing sleep thing that I have not been able to wake from. I stay up in my bed... thinking... feeling.

This needs to end. The right way. The way I always told myself I would. I have hope, but I am weak. I have never been this weak. It's nice to finally admit it but, now what am I going to do about it?

Well, baby steps I assume. One breath at a time, no matter how much it burns. I have to learn to just not care anymore... but how can I be like that?

xoxo

Girl Gamer, get over it.

I've got an idea.

I'm disorganized and not very good with following through with ideas and quite honestly, this is one of those things where I woke up (quite angry) and just decided that I was going to do something... despite my short attention span and unwillingness of finishing things.

What led me to this idea was the fact that every time I decided to get into a CoD (Call of Duty for the unsavy) lobby, people decide that they would rather believe that a talking unicorn is communicating with them rather than a female who is even slightly decent at video games... no boys, girl gamers exist... the pot you decided to smoke two days ago is not messing with your brain.

Vent over.

We'll see what happens with this idea.

Peace out girl scout.

xoxo

2012 Bucket List; Easter Eggs!

21. Color Easter Eggs. <-- First thing on my 2012 Bucket List that I finally finished! :]]

Yup! That's right friends. I've finally finished something on my 2010 Bucket List. Yay! But as I think about it, is it sad that I'm 23 years old and I honestly have no memory of coloring Easter eggs until last night?!? Either or... Nicko and I colored our way through two dozen eggs. Here are some pictures for proof. Enjoy!

The carton of eggs. Back row are mine and front row are Nicko's.

I tried making a golden egg, like Willy Wonka's.

I made these little egg people. lol! Their funny.

This egg is Nicko's and I'm honestly jealous of it. It's just very purple and pretty.

and finally... (mind you my favorites) the Futurama cast and the characters of Portal 2. :]]

1 thing done on bucket list, 41 to go!

HAPPY EASTER! <3

♥

xoxo

Late Night Thoughts...

I've had a tough time of it these past few days. I've been feeling more depressed and more anxious, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. My thinking is still foggy too, which has been frustrating, to say the least. I feel like my mind isn't even working sometimes. It's so easy to say, "Oh, it's just the depression," but it's quite another to feel it in your heart and actually believe it. My heart just doesn't seem to want to catch up to my head for some reason. 

I'm scared, actually. I'm scared the depression is going to take hold again and pull me down. I'm scared I'm never again going to be the person I used to be. I've lost interest in so many hobbies and activities that I once enjoyed, and that in itself scares me to no end. Will I ever like those things again? It's like everything I've ever known has been thrown upside, and nothing ever seems to make sense. I just want to scream to the depression, "Give me my life back," and magically have everything right with the world again.

Thanks for listening today, friends! xoxo 

Confession #1

You were in my dream last night. I kissed you right on your god damn face and you wanna know what?? You kissed back.

Now why can't that be reality instead of my dream... :(