"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should just be friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul heart, a real gets-inside-you-and-​rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

-Neil Gaimon

Music Tell All

I'm completely broken at the moment. I have so much to say but then so little all at the same time. I can't speak. I can't truly explain. I can however relate to songs. They speak to me as stupid as that sounds. I can relate and I don't feel alone. My life in a playlist at the moment.

If I Were A Boy - Beyonce -- To be honest. I don't know why I had feelings for you or even let you be "that guy". You're completely a douche bag. You didn't care about me. All you were looking for was a fuck. You don't respect me so why should I respect you??

Be Ok - Ingrid Michaelson -- I had to listen to this song multiple times for a good two weeks.

The Drug In Me Is You - Falling In Reverse -- You came back into my life and since that first night we hung out I've been high on the thought of you. You made me have feelings for you again. I hated that. I felt so horrible because I shouldn't have fallen for you again. It was wrong of me.

Stay - Sugarland -- I felt horrible but than again I wanted you too and a part of me still does. It kills me to want you. :(

See The Sun - The Kooks, Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine, and Detlef Schrempf - Band Of Horses -- I'm a mess right now. I've spent hours and hours laying in bed just staring at the ceiling. These songs we're prefect to listen too.

Fallin Down - Chris Brown -- I need my Marine back to have someone to talk too.

Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO -- I do have some good moments. This songs normally gets me to seem normal and drama free for a moment.

Cry - Rihanna -- You've seem to hurt me more than anybody it seems. You break we down into pieces. I thought something was going to be different when you can back... but I was wrong. I should have seen it before it started because now, I'm broken.

Daily Thought: Don't Give Up

Nothing has been going right these past few days, one thing happens which leads to another like some horrible domino effect that I have no control over -- yet I'm not ready to give up.

Part One.

If you're reading this, I obviously posted it. Knowing that people are reading this is making me worried and blush. But honestly, this blog is a creative outlet for me. I'm honest; I'll admit to that. Your kind words on my honesty may have fed this desire to speak honestly. But I've been on the fence about posting on this. But lately I'm at a point. Why not?

Never did I imagine that I would be in this situation. NEVER!

For me it was beginning to seem like I was going backwards with guys, and I'd always thought I'd be in a stable relationship before I did anything. BUT here enters what's his name, a random guy, who's "into me", or atleast into getting into my pants. He's not fantasic looking, he's not charming, and he's not really my type, but he is a guy who seems interested. I know anything he says might not be the truth, but at that point I didn't care. But that was a lie.

Never did I imagine that I would be in this situation. NEVER!

The act itself was messy and inconclusive. There was lots of slipping and some pain, and I called it off after the first few attempts. Later, I rationalized to myself that this couldn't have been my first time because it was over so fast and hurt so badly. Now, I realize that those facts just prove its authenticity. I thought I firmly believed that it would happen when the person and time was right. Now, months and months later... I look back. That's just the way it is and I don't feel any certain way about it, good or bad. It's nice actually, to have no certain feelings about it as of now.

Never did I imagine that I would be in this situation. NEVER!

But the point is, just like , grape soda, the color purple, or Christmas time, it's something that defines me. The fact that I'm not a virgin anymore is something that makes me who I am today. I'll like to think that I contempate things more than most; I'm more than your typical overthinker.

BUT never did I imagine that I would be in this situation. NEVER!

to be continued...

Open Letter: Dear Cupid,

It's not funny. This constant need to want to talk to him, spend time with him; you're torturing me. It isn't possible and things are way too complicated right now, so please stop tugging on my heart strings like I'm an instrument at your disposal. I'm not playing any sweet songs, just let it go. You've been at this for some time now with the same guy and sometimes I'd like time to breathe.

How about we call a truce? You stop slowly killing me with the desire to hear his voice tonight, and I'll stop blaming you for all the horrible choices you've thrown at me in the past. Deal? Because I can't stand another night knowing how alone I truly am.

You made me cry last night, you know. That's an awful thing to do. I hate having to hold everything in until I'm sure no one will see me. What am I supposed to say when people ask what's wrong? Tell them I'm fine and it's normal? Because it's not. Nothing is normal about this. Why can't we be normal? Why can't I be like the couples my friends get to be? Why can't I call him up? Why can't I just text him without worrying to death who might see it? Why can't I talk to him? Why can't I just see him? I keep replaying that second day in my head when he visited me a few weeks ago. I didn't want him to leave. I hugged him and held on for dear life, which turned into me not wanting to let go at all.

So thank you for finally, bring him back into my life and, giving me that wonderful, amazing, spectacular moment. But screw you for separating it with this fucked up situation.

Unfortunately yours,

Amanda

Late Night Thought

Lately, I can't stop thinking about where I am right now. Literally. Where I am standing at any given moment and how I got there. What steps I had to take, what turns I had to make, what paths or shortcuts got me there. I'm thinking about everything I've accomplished and even all the chances I didn't take. I'm thinking about how I got to making (or not making) those decisions. I'm thinking about life as a map.

To me, life is this cheesy, stereotypical map with an infinite amount of paths, shortcuts, side roads, and detours. If you take one path, it will lead you to different paths than if you had taken a different path from the beginning. I've been dwelling for a few years on all the paths that I didn't take, rather I should have been focusing on what happened to get me where I am.

The people along the way.
The things I felt along the way.
The experiences I encountered first hand.
The things I saw. The things I did. The things I never saw until now and the things that for some reason, I never did.
Every single thing in life that I did AND didn't do influenced my life choices and decisions.

It's like a snowball effect; when this happens, it triggers this action, and keeps building up. That buildup? Your LIFE.

It's crazy how these things work out. It's just as crazy how they don't work out. Sometimes they can even be ironic.

I haven't lived as much as I could have by now. I may not have experienced as much as others who are at the same checkpoint as me. We've lived differently, and sometimes I feel like I've lived even more differently than most.

Then, there's him. We have things in common. We obviously get along well. We're similar people; we understand each other. Yet we took two of the most different paths ever....and we wound up at the same place.

It's ironic. The things we've both done, the things we've both had to experience, the two completely different lives we've had to leave brought to where we are now.

You can't help but think about what would have happened if you hadn't done something along the way, good or bad. It definitely would have influenced a thing or two. But maybe everything happened because it needed to. Maybe this domino hit that one just right.

I Tend to Never Forget. Ever.

Here's a fair warning: I remember. EVERYTHING.

This means if you plan on lying, deceiving or hurting me, I will remember it all for the rest of my life, and hell will most likely come crashing upon you.

Don't believe me? I can recall the conversation I had the first time I held hands with a boy: in the back of a bus....in the fifth grade. I remember the outfit I was wearing (now that I think about it I remember his outfit too) when I had my first kiss. I remember the text I sent when I found out my friend was dating a guy I had adored for nearly two years. I remember it all.

I have an incredibly fierce memory, and this is to be handled carefully. I advise and welcome others to take this fact and pick it apart, especially when considering testing me or trying to re-gain my trust. If you hurt me in the past, I can simply bring that moment back and flesh it out in my mind to the point where it seems like it happened yesterday. This is a beautiful curse. This is also why I find it so terribly hard to let go of grudges, and it's even harder for me to forgive (when I actually do forgive - a rare occurrence for me.)

So...just don't mess up. Because I'll never let you forget, my friend. I will never forget. I gave you fair warning.

Plus, I will most likely write about it. Eventually.