Under My Skin.

Well, it takes all of my strength to be stable

and I force your insults under the table.

And if you were wise, you would compromise

and allow me to live my way.

'Cos I am not a force to be reckoned with,

and you don't have no clue what you're messin with.

You can't see to the best in me

'cos it's more than your heart can take.

And hiding beneath my blankets and sheets

I'm finally free

I'm killing the ghost of you

and I'm close to awakening me.

-A. Nalick

I was debating on writing this post just because of the fact that it'll show that I'm letting one person upset me as much as he is which shouldn't be the case. But I can't deny how incredibly annoyed I am.

How many variations of "leave me the fuck alone" do I need to express before this person gets it? I have far more relevant things to worry. The last thing I want on my plate is a stalker ex boyfriend who has nothing better to do than to act like a child and throw a fit when he's not getting the attention he wants. It's pathetic.

I really believe I'm the most forgiving person in the world,
so for a person to strike out, they must be one messed up mothafucker. 

Just sayin.

Crushing Is Crushing Me

I hate crushes. I hate the word 'crush' on its own. It sounds so painful; I mean I crush spiders. Yet here I am. This is me, having a crush on a guy and feeling totally lame about it at the same time. And that happens every time I have a crush on a guy. I feel mega lame because he's all I can think about for God knows what reason and he probably hasn't even had my name cross his mind since we've kissed.

Now, I can honestly admit that I don't remember exactly everything that happened taking an count of the alcohol. I couldn't tell you why or how it happened. Who kissed who first or who led it on. I can certainly tell you that while we were falling asleep I was thinking about him laying next to me holding my hand. My stomach dropped just thinking about it.

They keep telling me how cute it is that I'm crushing on this guy, but I feel like a dork. I'd feel a lot better if I knew how he felt about our make-out session. If he only did it because he was drunk. Fine. I'll deal with that.

How I Feel (in Photos); Who cares?? I do.

My life is twisted in knots

and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say.

In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself. I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in.

I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself. I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let "time" undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up and go day by day.

My Mind is a Mix Tape.

The things that I have no control over are the things that cut me the deepest. The things I can't change are the things that keep me up at night. The things I have nothing to do with are the things that wont leave me alone. My mind gets the best of me. I know I'm an over-thinker, but this feels much deeper than that. I'm letting myself get worked up over things that I can't do anything about -- and it's tearing me apart.


I have no reason to be this way. But I can't figure out how to let things go and get them off my mind. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't change anything and nothing will ever change. It's all history, set in stone, stuck in the past. Yet I'm still dwelling on it. Even though it's truly none of my business, I'm letting it kill me. I wish I knew how to escape it. I wish I knew how to let it go. I know I can't go back and erase things, or change things to my liking but if I had the chance I would in a heartbeat.

I've been questioning everything lately.

As each little part of my life is going it's own direction, I can't help but question. Everything.
There are things that one day I can't live without and the next I just want to cut loose. But I'm scared to take action on any of these questionings. Because what if it's just a temporary phase? But what if I'm really spiraling? I've been questioning everything lately. I feel like if I don't make a decision soon, everything is going to spiral faster. Everywhere. But if I make the wrong decision, everything could fall apart. It's so like me to over-contemplate everything. But then why do I feel so different?

This is everything I've wanted. But it doesn't feel like I thought it would. It feels strange. I avoided it for so long, then took the plunge. Now I feel like I'm back at square one. Every night, I spiral. I just wish I could stop questioning, And see all the right answers fall into my hands. Or at least fill my heart.

Open Letter: Dear 2010

Thanks to those who hated me, you made me a stronger person. Thanks to those who loved me, you made my hear bigger. Thanks to those who envied me, you made my self-esteem grow. Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important. Thanks to those who worried, you let me know that you care. Thanks to those who left, you showed me that not everything is forever. Thanks those who stayed, you showed me that mean of true friends. Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who I am today.

Sincerely, Me.