Late Night Thoughts...

I suppose I don't have much to say today. This last week has been harder than the last, if you can believe it. I've had crying spells every single day. The tears just flow endlessly, and I can't seem to stop them. I still can't think, and that's one thing that leads to my tears. Plus, my fears seem so powerful right now, as if they're zapping all the energy out of me. I'm scared of everything. The future. How I'm ever going to come out of this. If I'm ever going to stop all this crying. Because I know the crying gets me nowhere, and yet I can't seem to stop. I used to be so strong, and now I just feel weak. I know I need to find the strength deep down inside that the heartache has buried. I just don't feel very strong right now. And I HATE this!!!

Thanks for listening, friends. xoxo

Nerd Rant - The Avengers

I only watched one movie this week and it was the only movie that I needed to see. To say that this is now one of my favorite movies wouldn't even do my excitement and passion justice. I sat in my seat, squirming, bouncing up and down, and beaming with joy as I endured one of the greatest cinematic experiences of my life. Yesterday, I watched THE AVENGERS.

I love superheroes. While I've always had a huge geek crush on Iron Man, over the past few years my fascination with all of the other superheroes has only exploded. I can't have enough of Captain America, Batman, Green Lantern, just to name a few. I can't stop gushing about it to whoever is within earshot. It was just absolute perfection. Well, obviously it's The Avengers.

I love all of the superheroes involved in this movie. Although I was never a fan of the Hulk, this movie and Mark Ruffalo completely changed my mind. The chemistry between Black Widow and Hawkeye wooed me. RD Jr. as Iron Man knocked my socks off for the third time. And who doesn't love the hotties Cap America and Thor? And Loki, even though he may be bad, is one awesome badass. I literally love every character in this movie. And as someone who needs to care about characters to care about the story, I was set. As the movie neared the end, I craved more story, more character, more everything and anything that I could wrap my gushing heart around.

This movie is hilarious, mind you it was directed by Joss Whedon, no need to say more. While I love the characters they play, the actors themselves are brilliant together. They all just seem to glow, and I laughed til I cried. I genuinely adore these characters and they just happened to have damn funny things to say.

After all, who doesn't love a superhero? Anyone who doesn't have even a slight interest in superheroes is a liar. They are some of the most fascinating "people" that we "know." We all admire something in them and they are all human enough that we can somehow relate to each one of them. Whether we're cocky, dorky, brainy, or strong, we can relate to superheroes, we respect them, and therefore, we will always love them. So thank you Avengers, for keeping the nerdy girl alive and well within me.

Lounge Talk: The Phrase; "How Are You?"

Hello there? How are you?

Be honest, don't you hate that sometimes? When someone looks at you in the eye and asks you how you are when you both clearly know you are just plain crappy? I do. Oh yes, I do. Why? Because they caught me. Though I was to smart wearing this mask of "fine", but once someone asks how I am, I break. It's comforting, revelaing, and taunting. Comforting because someone finally cares to ask... taunting because now you have to face the truth. The mess you are in that you created... well of course is this about me, I don't know about you.

So, how much longer can I hold it together? Eh. The exact question would be, how much longer can I put this off? I am in the biggest tug-o-war that I have ever had to fight with. My sanity is holding on the by the finger and I just to want to see what happens if I just let go. My heart strings are as thin as a pin now, not left  with as many as I started with. This overpowering shadow of solitary has been the creator of the tears I wish would end.

Where am I?

I'm okay during the day, I feel on top of the world and its easy to ignore all of this. But, once I'm alone. I'm lost. I have nothing to do bu collect my thoughts and sort through them like a filing cabinet. When I do fall asleep, I'll dream about it. It has been an ongoing sleep thing that I have not been able to wake from. I stay up in my bed... thinking... feeling.

This needs to end. The right way. The way I always told myself I would. I have hope, but I am weak. I have never been this weak. It's nice to finally admit it but, now what am I going to do about it?

Well, baby steps I assume. One breath at a time, no matter how much it burns. I have to learn to just not care anymore... but how can I be like that?

xoxo

Girl Gamer, get over it.

I've got an idea.

I'm disorganized and not very good with following through with ideas and quite honestly, this is one of those things where I woke up (quite angry) and just decided that I was going to do something... despite my short attention span and unwillingness of finishing things.

What led me to this idea was the fact that every time I decided to get into a CoD (Call of Duty for the unsavy) lobby, people decide that they would rather believe that a talking unicorn is communicating with them rather than a female who is even slightly decent at video games... no boys, girl gamers exist... the pot you decided to smoke two days ago is not messing with your brain.

Vent over.

We'll see what happens with this idea.

Peace out girl scout.

xoxo

2012 Bucket List; Easter Eggs!

21. Color Easter Eggs. <-- First thing on my 2012 Bucket List that I finally finished! :]]

Yup! That's right friends. I've finally finished something on my 2010 Bucket List. Yay! But as I think about it, is it sad that I'm 23 years old and I honestly have no memory of coloring Easter eggs until last night?!? Either or... Nicko and I colored our way through two dozen eggs. Here are some pictures for proof. Enjoy!

The carton of eggs. Back row are mine and front row are Nicko's.

I tried making a golden egg, like Willy Wonka's.

I made these little egg people. lol! Their funny.

This egg is Nicko's and I'm honestly jealous of it. It's just very purple and pretty.

and finally... (mind you my favorites) the Futurama cast and the characters of Portal 2. :]]

1 thing done on bucket list, 41 to go!

HAPPY EASTER! <3

♥

xoxo

Late Night Thoughts...

I've had a tough time of it these past few days. I've been feeling more depressed and more anxious, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. My thinking is still foggy too, which has been frustrating, to say the least. I feel like my mind isn't even working sometimes. It's so easy to say, "Oh, it's just the depression," but it's quite another to feel it in your heart and actually believe it. My heart just doesn't seem to want to catch up to my head for some reason. 

I'm scared, actually. I'm scared the depression is going to take hold again and pull me down. I'm scared I'm never again going to be the person I used to be. I've lost interest in so many hobbies and activities that I once enjoyed, and that in itself scares me to no end. Will I ever like those things again? It's like everything I've ever known has been thrown upside, and nothing ever seems to make sense. I just want to scream to the depression, "Give me my life back," and magically have everything right with the world again.

Thanks for listening today, friends! xoxo 

Confession #1

You were in my dream last night. I kissed you right on your god damn face and you wanna know what?? You kissed back.

Now why can't that be reality instead of my dream... :(