Open Letter: Dear Mr. Todd

I’m sorry we’ve ended up like this, letting us become what we have. I'm sorry for all those times I thought about calling you and didn’t. And mainly, I'm so sorry for letting you slip through my fingers, like sand slowly falling.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of regret. I'm not quite sure why, because I’m content with where I am at this point in my life. I really am. But I feel like I let you slip through my fingers. You were the sand in my fingers, and I opened my hand, to let you fall back. And I can’t find you anymore. You’re lost. I just don’t understand how we have come to this. We were glued at the hips. You were my best friend. I couldn’t go one day without talking to you… and now, it’s been months but slowly turning into years.

I never wanted this to happen. I know I can live without you because I have been for the last year or so, I can breathe without you. To be honest some days, I forget that you even exists. Most days, I don't even miss you. But some days… I just can’t stop thinking about the times we had and the friends we used to be to each other. Even on those rare occasions when I do talk to you, it's breathtaking. I know you. I need to talk to you, and even though I am sitting there, talking to you - I miss you then.

I always brush it off as - I miss the idea of you. I miss this ideal of what we should be having right now. When I hear a song that reminds me of regret, you quickly to sit in my head as the one I let get away. And I don't know if you know that - but that's what I feel - regret for letting you get away.

Spin

Life moves so fast sometimes. I'm actually in complete awe all the time lately, because the months keep moving so fast. July flew by, August is flying by. Everything is coming up so fast, and I don't know. In some ways, I love it.

In other ways? I want to stand for a second, watch for hours, sit for a day and just watch the world go on and on with me there to see what's happening, for me to soak in everything precious moment that seems to be flying by.

'And the world spins madly on.

Just Putting It Out There

Sometimes I want to go back in time and do things all over again; sometimes I want to change things in my past so I don’t have to pay for them in the future. Sometimes I want to go lock myself in a cupboard just to get away from the world and never come out. Sometimes I wonder whether I was put on the earth for a reason, I can’t figure it out yet. To piss people off? To change someone’s life? To walk the earth unnoticed? Or to influence a generation by change?

I try as hard as I can to be alternative. Honestly I would love to stand out as an inspiration, for people to stare, for people to talk. That’s the attitude I wish I had. If you know me, you’ll know I like to sing aloud when I know I can’t sing, I don’t hold back when I laugh, I’m quiet when I’m pissed off, I talk shit to people’s faces, not over facebook. I fall for the guys who ‘sweet talk’ girls, which doesn’t end up very good. I haven’t made the best choices in life so young. Everything I’ve said and done has made me who I am today, if you can’t accept that then just walk away now.

Lemons

Sometimes, life gives you lemons. The lemons squirt you in the face, and they hurt your eyes. You make lemonade. You sit around, waiting for someone to come and buy the lemonade so that you can move along. But nope. No one does. So you're left, with lemon juice still stinging your eyes and the bitter taste of that said lemons on your tongue.

Sometimes, life sucks

I Want A Man

I want a man who will move the hair away from my eyes, and then kiss me. I want a man who is more goofy than romantic, but knows the right things to say at the right times. A man who will throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then jump on me and kiss me a million times. I want a man who will bet kisses on who could beat who at a game, who makes fun of me just to make me laugh and a man who will surprise me with 25 cent rings. I want a man that will bet me how far I can spit my gum, a man will dance with me in our pajamas, a man who could sit with me on the kitchen floor and eat turkey sandwiches with Doritos in them. I want a man who will share his lollipops with me, and make funny faces at me when I’m on the phone. I want a man who will squirt water guns at me in the house after I’ve gotten him soaked by the kitchen sink hose. But mostly I want you back…

I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. You’ve been the first thought I have when I wake in the morning and the last before I drift off to sleep at night. Your birthday is coming up and you’re not here to celebrate it. You’re not going to turn into the 26 year old man you should be but instead you'll always be the 23 year old that you were. I think that out of everything thats what's going to kill me the most.

I miss everything about you. I mostly miss the way you treated me. I always felt safe with you, the world was perfect and everything was in place. Ever sense you left… things have fallen apart. I’m never happy. I try to be. I want to be but it just isn’t there. The idea of being with someone is just sicken to me because I know it won’t even compare to what you and I had.

Remember that voicemail you left me on my phone knowing that I was asleep and I would hear it in the morning. You probably don’t remember, but I saved it for months just to have something to smile about whenever I missed you. I remember the time we had been on the phone for four hours and you wanted me to count to three in Spanish like Dora the Explorer with you because neither of us would hang up first. I’d give anything to hear you make fun of my laugh or the way I talk about certain things, and/or I wouldn’t even mind having another one of those stupid arguments that springs up from a misunderstanding just so I could talk to you.

I’m going crazy without you but lately I’ve managed to permanently plant you in my brain. As much as I love you; you need to get you out... please!

Road Trips

Road trips are one of a few things I love in life; long or short. Whether I'm alone or in the company of others, there is nothing in life I look forward to more than sitting in a car and watching the scenery fly by.

Lately the isolation of myself and my thoughts is all I could ever want in my life. Normally I am in a constant rush. Always stressed, my brain is overworked and incessantly thinking about the past, present and future simultaneously. When I'm in a vehicle with the music beating through the base and where no distractions can reach me, there is no other place I would rather be. There is an intense serenity that always washes over me as I stare out watching the clouds disappear behind me. I spend those few precious hours reflecting on my life and what I've done for the past year and the things I've said. Because I’m starting to live my life without regrets, I enjoy this time I get to reflect. I don't get quiet time often, and when I do, I still have a lot on my mind that I can't just walk away from.

Here's To Fresh Starts

What happens when you wake up and realize you're not that 16 year old high school kid not having to care about anything besides having fun with your friends on the weekends? I guess I'm about to find out. I’m officially on my own. 21 years old and I’m moved out of my parents for the first time. Some of you may be thinking, “I’ve been out since I was 18. It’s nothing.” Well, news flash. It’s big news for me.

I spent the majority of my life hiding from the world, the only accomplishment on my mind was making it through the school day without falling asleep or being noticed. It wasn't necessarily a lonely life, but one completely unfulfilling repeat day after day. I was that girl everyone noticed offering friendly conversation, and the one everyone soon forgot about the next day but somewhere along the way, after various events and incidents beyond my control, I found myself hating being invisible.

Throughout High School I'd done a lot of hoping and dreaming of being that girl that had all the friends. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends but I wanted to be that friend. I guess I always needed that feeling of being needed and wanted. It seemed to be the only thing of importance to me at the time... and still does to this day. But a part of me is over that. So, I came to the harshest realization I had ever made--I have no idea who the hell I am.

Who am I? That awkward, lonely girl that hated not fitting in? Or the girl who tried too hard to blend in with the crowd? To this day, I still don’t know which girl I was or am. I just know this is me starting fresh. A new adventure to a new life: to a new start. (CHEERS!) I’m dedicating this move to myself. To figuring out whom exactly I am. I do know this: I have actual responsibilities now. My roommates are going to depend on me. I’m going to depend on me. I have a presence in this world. I will live my life with no regrets and I will not sweat on the small stuff. I will sooner or later figure out who I am.

But, for now, I’m just starting…