Twins

In February 2011 two beautiful babies are going to arrive and I'll officially be an aunt.

While initially in shock and feeling terrified about the circumstances of my younger sister being so young and the pregnancy unplanned, I've warmed up to the idea since, and have been daydreaming about rushing to the hospital as soon as their born and seeing their little faces, chubby little fingers and toes.

I've always loved children and dreamed about being an Aunt and having someone to spoil rotten but I just hope I can be a good Aunt.

I can't wait until the doctor appointments, baby shopping, ultrasounds, baby showers, and of course I mostly can't wait until those two beautiful babies will be welcomed to this world with our lovely family around them. I can't wait to hold them and watch them smile and become their own individual person.

Guarantee

I have those days, those days that I feel I’m never going to be good enough for anyone. I’m never going to live up to what you want me to be. I won't be as pretty as you would rather me be, or I don’t have the body you’ll want to hold. But I can promise one thing, that I’ll be myself. Always. I’m not going to change for you but I want you to take me for me. You’re going to see my good side and my bad side, you’re going to see me at my worst, and what I think is my best NOT what you think is best for me. But I can guarantee you I will never be perfect, I’m sorry in advance.

Sleepless Nights

Sleeping has been a huge struggle for me lately. It boggles my mind as to how anyone can just fall asleep so easily, simply by resting their head on a pillow. Usually I'm laying in bed anywhere from an hour to three hours trying to fall asleep. Generally I have to keep myself up until I'm about to crash. This way I fall asleep easily and don't waste time laying in bed trying to fall asleep... but I still end up waking up through out the night a couple times at least. Sometimes I won't be able to fall asleep at all. The next day I'll feel like a lifeless zombie, and make up for the hours I didn't sleep at night with little power naps during the day but even when making up for the sleepless night, it will still take me just as long to fall asleep the next night.

Fish Out Of Water

I know a girl, a girl who has a good life, but just can't see it. She takes it for granted everyday. She can't focus on the positivity in her life. If you look in her eyes, you might just see how stressful it is for her, you might just see what she has seen, and maybe you would understand how hurt she is, but of course; she won't show it around you because she doesn't want anyone to know. And, so nobody does.

They all think she's a carefree, fun-loving girl... they couldn't be more wrong. She keeps to herself about how she feels about herself. She keeps to herself about the things that hurt her. She keeps to herself because she feels like that will just make things better. She keeps to herself, she knows it's not good for her, but she has to do it. Sometimes faking a smile is easier than having to answer, "What's wrong?"

This girl can give great advice to others, but when it comes to herself: she has no clue. This girl has been hurt by a boy many times which has made her strong, but has also damaged her. Because now, she looks at the idea of a relationship different because she's too scared of getting hurt again.

I know this girl, I know everything about her. I'm the only one that knows. I know this girl that feels like a fish out of water.

Rainbow

I’ve always found myself to be a firm Gay Rights activist and I truly believe that everyone deserves a chance to succeed in this world, including Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals... whatever. I have several friends who are LGBT, and it really startles me how mistreated they are. I mean, they are people just like me, so it is only natural that they should be respected as such.

The statement that pisses me off the most is one that I’m sure everyone has heard before at one time or another… “Two men or two women getting married ruins the sanctity of marriage.” When I see that on a little bumper sticker on someone’s car, it makes me want to ram in the end of their car and slap them. I’m sorry, I know we are all humans and we make mistakes but Gay’s being married to each other isn’t what is ruining the sanctity of marriage. I’m mean, our former president stood up in front of the entire country (mind you, he is suppose to be setting an example for the rest of us) and admitted to having an affair… but that’s ok? How is that not ruining the sanctity of marriage? The divorce rate of straight couples alone… enough said. I don’t even need to elaborate about that.

Those who are homophobic need to learn how to accept people the way that they are because we are human and every human being is different. People who can’t accept this face are not going to get very far in this diverse world. I sincerely wish the best for all the Gays, Lesbians, Transsexuals, and Bisexuals who are abused or mistreated.

What business is it of yours to tell someone else they can’t be happy?

Maybe

I can care way too much for my own good, even if it is over the stupid things. I care for things that don’t even care back. Maybe it’s in the hopes that I can change them or maybe I am a just destined for pain, that would sure explain a lot. If I didn’t care about the things that don’t back, maybe I wouldn’t be so exhausted. Maybe I’d be a little more accepting of the things that do care back. Maybe, it’d be nice if I didn’t care so much.

I don’t know where the passion to try so hard came from. Maybe it’s my stubborn attitude that I was handed from my Grandma. I could be faced with a situation that I know I can’t win; I could be in a situation where I could never be right, but I don’t stop trying. I have to keep pushing in hopes that I can come out with the upper hand. Some things that I caused wouldn’t have turned out the way they did… they probably wouldn’t have happened at all. Just maybe, I wish I didn’t try so hard.

I feel everything that happens. I feel things that I have nothing to do with me. I dive deep into situations that shouldn’t even matter, that don’t matter. I feel everything. Everything affects me in some way for form. I’m so damn emotional, even if I don’t show it. I try not to. Maybe I like the feeling of having feelings, having something to care about. Maybe it makes me feel like I have something to live for.

Thinking is so in-depth for me. Thinking is constantly clouding my brain, and even sometimes barricading what’s important. Thinking just comes so natural now; maybe because I’m doing it constantly. I have to keep doing it more and more and more to get anything done. To feel anything. I’m almost at a breaking point. I’d love to go back to thinking straight.

Maybe if I just wish I didn’t feel everything for every single thing, I would be happier. Maybe.

Open Letter: Dear Mr. Todd

I’m sorry we’ve ended up like this, letting us become what we have. I'm sorry for all those times I thought about calling you and didn’t. And mainly, I'm so sorry for letting you slip through my fingers, like sand slowly falling.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of regret. I'm not quite sure why, because I’m content with where I am at this point in my life. I really am. But I feel like I let you slip through my fingers. You were the sand in my fingers, and I opened my hand, to let you fall back. And I can’t find you anymore. You’re lost. I just don’t understand how we have come to this. We were glued at the hips. You were my best friend. I couldn’t go one day without talking to you… and now, it’s been months but slowly turning into years.

I never wanted this to happen. I know I can live without you because I have been for the last year or so, I can breathe without you. To be honest some days, I forget that you even exists. Most days, I don't even miss you. But some days… I just can’t stop thinking about the times we had and the friends we used to be to each other. Even on those rare occasions when I do talk to you, it's breathtaking. I know you. I need to talk to you, and even though I am sitting there, talking to you - I miss you then.

I always brush it off as - I miss the idea of you. I miss this ideal of what we should be having right now. When I hear a song that reminds me of regret, you quickly to sit in my head as the one I let get away. And I don't know if you know that - but that's what I feel - regret for letting you get away.