Twins

In February 2011 two beautiful babies are going to arrive and I'll officially be an aunt.

While initially in shock and feeling terrified about the circumstances of my younger sister being so young and the pregnancy unplanned, I've warmed up to the idea since, and have been daydreaming about rushing to the hospital as soon as their born and seeing their little faces, chubby little fingers and toes.

I've always loved children and dreamed about being an Aunt and having someone to spoil rotten but I just hope I can be a good Aunt.

I can't wait until the doctor appointments, baby shopping, ultrasounds, baby showers, and of course I mostly can't wait until those two beautiful babies will be welcomed to this world with our lovely family around them. I can't wait to hold them and watch them smile and become their own individual person.

Guarantee

I have those days, those days that I feel I’m never going to be good enough for anyone. I’m never going to live up to what you want me to be. I won't be as pretty as you would rather me be, or I don’t have the body you’ll want to hold. But I can promise one thing, that I’ll be myself. Always. I’m not going to change for you but I want you to take me for me. You’re going to see my good side and my bad side, you’re going to see me at my worst, and what I think is my best NOT what you think is best for me. But I can guarantee you I will never be perfect, I’m sorry in advance.

Sleepless Nights

Sleeping has been a huge struggle for me lately. It boggles my mind as to how anyone can just fall asleep so easily, simply by resting their head on a pillow. Usually I'm laying in bed anywhere from an hour to three hours trying to fall asleep. Generally I have to keep myself up until I'm about to crash. This way I fall asleep easily and don't waste time laying in bed trying to fall asleep... but I still end up waking up through out the night a couple times at least. Sometimes I won't be able to fall asleep at all. The next day I'll feel like a lifeless zombie, and make up for the hours I didn't sleep at night with little power naps during the day but even when making up for the sleepless night, it will still take me just as long to fall asleep the next night.

Fish Out Of Water

I know a girl, a girl who has a good life, but just can't see it. She takes it for granted everyday. She can't focus on the positivity in her life. If you look in her eyes, you might just see how stressful it is for her, you might just see what she has seen, and maybe you would understand how hurt she is, but of course; she won't show it around you because she doesn't want anyone to know. And, so nobody does.

They all think she's a carefree, fun-loving girl... they couldn't be more wrong. She keeps to herself about how she feels about herself. She keeps to herself about the things that hurt her. She keeps to herself because she feels like that will just make things better. She keeps to herself, she knows it's not good for her, but she has to do it. Sometimes faking a smile is easier than having to answer, "What's wrong?"

This girl can give great advice to others, but when it comes to herself: she has no clue. This girl has been hurt by a boy many times which has made her strong, but has also damaged her. Because now, she looks at the idea of a relationship different because she's too scared of getting hurt again.

I know this girl, I know everything about her. I'm the only one that knows. I know this girl that feels like a fish out of water.

Rainbow

I’ve always found myself to be a firm Gay Rights activist and I truly believe that everyone deserves a chance to succeed in this world, including Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals... whatever. I have several friends who are LGBT, and it really startles me how mistreated they are. I mean, they are people just like me, so it is only natural that they should be respected as such.

The statement that pisses me off the most is one that I’m sure everyone has heard before at one time or another… “Two men or two women getting married ruins the sanctity of marriage.” When I see that on a little bumper sticker on someone’s car, it makes me want to ram in the end of their car and slap them. I’m sorry, I know we are all humans and we make mistakes but Gay’s being married to each other isn’t what is ruining the sanctity of marriage. I’m mean, our former president stood up in front of the entire country (mind you, he is suppose to be setting an example for the rest of us) and admitted to having an affair… but that’s ok? How is that not ruining the sanctity of marriage? The divorce rate of straight couples alone… enough said. I don’t even need to elaborate about that.

Those who are homophobic need to learn how to accept people the way that they are because we are human and every human being is different. People who can’t accept this face are not going to get very far in this diverse world. I sincerely wish the best for all the Gays, Lesbians, Transsexuals, and Bisexuals who are abused or mistreated.

What business is it of yours to tell someone else they can’t be happy?

Maybe

I can care way too much for my own good, even if it is over the stupid things. I care for things that don’t even care back. Maybe it’s in the hopes that I can change them or maybe I am a just destined for pain, that would sure explain a lot. If I didn’t care about the things that don’t back, maybe I wouldn’t be so exhausted. Maybe I’d be a little more accepting of the things that do care back. Maybe, it’d be nice if I didn’t care so much.

I don’t know where the passion to try so hard came from. Maybe it’s my stubborn attitude that I was handed from my Grandma. I could be faced with a situation that I know I can’t win; I could be in a situation where I could never be right, but I don’t stop trying. I have to keep pushing in hopes that I can come out with the upper hand. Some things that I caused wouldn’t have turned out the way they did… they probably wouldn’t have happened at all. Just maybe, I wish I didn’t try so hard.

I feel everything that happens. I feel things that I have nothing to do with me. I dive deep into situations that shouldn’t even matter, that don’t matter. I feel everything. Everything affects me in some way for form. I’m so damn emotional, even if I don’t show it. I try not to. Maybe I like the feeling of having feelings, having something to care about. Maybe it makes me feel like I have something to live for.

Thinking is so in-depth for me. Thinking is constantly clouding my brain, and even sometimes barricading what’s important. Thinking just comes so natural now; maybe because I’m doing it constantly. I have to keep doing it more and more and more to get anything done. To feel anything. I’m almost at a breaking point. I’d love to go back to thinking straight.

Maybe if I just wish I didn’t feel everything for every single thing, I would be happier. Maybe.

Open Letter: Dear Mr. Todd

I’m sorry we’ve ended up like this, letting us become what we have. I'm sorry for all those times I thought about calling you and didn’t. And mainly, I'm so sorry for letting you slip through my fingers, like sand slowly falling.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of regret. I'm not quite sure why, because I’m content with where I am at this point in my life. I really am. But I feel like I let you slip through my fingers. You were the sand in my fingers, and I opened my hand, to let you fall back. And I can’t find you anymore. You’re lost. I just don’t understand how we have come to this. We were glued at the hips. You were my best friend. I couldn’t go one day without talking to you… and now, it’s been months but slowly turning into years.

I never wanted this to happen. I know I can live without you because I have been for the last year or so, I can breathe without you. To be honest some days, I forget that you even exists. Most days, I don't even miss you. But some days… I just can’t stop thinking about the times we had and the friends we used to be to each other. Even on those rare occasions when I do talk to you, it's breathtaking. I know you. I need to talk to you, and even though I am sitting there, talking to you - I miss you then.

I always brush it off as - I miss the idea of you. I miss this ideal of what we should be having right now. When I hear a song that reminds me of regret, you quickly to sit in my head as the one I let get away. And I don't know if you know that - but that's what I feel - regret for letting you get away.

Spin

Life moves so fast sometimes. I'm actually in complete awe all the time lately, because the months keep moving so fast. July flew by, August is flying by. Everything is coming up so fast, and I don't know. In some ways, I love it.

In other ways? I want to stand for a second, watch for hours, sit for a day and just watch the world go on and on with me there to see what's happening, for me to soak in everything precious moment that seems to be flying by.

'And the world spins madly on.

Just Putting It Out There

Sometimes I want to go back in time and do things all over again; sometimes I want to change things in my past so I don’t have to pay for them in the future. Sometimes I want to go lock myself in a cupboard just to get away from the world and never come out. Sometimes I wonder whether I was put on the earth for a reason, I can’t figure it out yet. To piss people off? To change someone’s life? To walk the earth unnoticed? Or to influence a generation by change?

I try as hard as I can to be alternative. Honestly I would love to stand out as an inspiration, for people to stare, for people to talk. That’s the attitude I wish I had. If you know me, you’ll know I like to sing aloud when I know I can’t sing, I don’t hold back when I laugh, I’m quiet when I’m pissed off, I talk shit to people’s faces, not over facebook. I fall for the guys who ‘sweet talk’ girls, which doesn’t end up very good. I haven’t made the best choices in life so young. Everything I’ve said and done has made me who I am today, if you can’t accept that then just walk away now.

Lemons

Sometimes, life gives you lemons. The lemons squirt you in the face, and they hurt your eyes. You make lemonade. You sit around, waiting for someone to come and buy the lemonade so that you can move along. But nope. No one does. So you're left, with lemon juice still stinging your eyes and the bitter taste of that said lemons on your tongue.

Sometimes, life sucks

I Want A Man

I want a man who will move the hair away from my eyes, and then kiss me. I want a man who is more goofy than romantic, but knows the right things to say at the right times. A man who will throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then jump on me and kiss me a million times. I want a man who will bet kisses on who could beat who at a game, who makes fun of me just to make me laugh and a man who will surprise me with 25 cent rings. I want a man that will bet me how far I can spit my gum, a man will dance with me in our pajamas, a man who could sit with me on the kitchen floor and eat turkey sandwiches with Doritos in them. I want a man who will share his lollipops with me, and make funny faces at me when I’m on the phone. I want a man who will squirt water guns at me in the house after I’ve gotten him soaked by the kitchen sink hose. But mostly I want you back…

I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. You’ve been the first thought I have when I wake in the morning and the last before I drift off to sleep at night. Your birthday is coming up and you’re not here to celebrate it. You’re not going to turn into the 26 year old man you should be but instead you'll always be the 23 year old that you were. I think that out of everything thats what's going to kill me the most.

I miss everything about you. I mostly miss the way you treated me. I always felt safe with you, the world was perfect and everything was in place. Ever sense you left… things have fallen apart. I’m never happy. I try to be. I want to be but it just isn’t there. The idea of being with someone is just sicken to me because I know it won’t even compare to what you and I had.

Remember that voicemail you left me on my phone knowing that I was asleep and I would hear it in the morning. You probably don’t remember, but I saved it for months just to have something to smile about whenever I missed you. I remember the time we had been on the phone for four hours and you wanted me to count to three in Spanish like Dora the Explorer with you because neither of us would hang up first. I’d give anything to hear you make fun of my laugh or the way I talk about certain things, and/or I wouldn’t even mind having another one of those stupid arguments that springs up from a misunderstanding just so I could talk to you.

I’m going crazy without you but lately I’ve managed to permanently plant you in my brain. As much as I love you; you need to get you out... please!

Road Trips

Road trips are one of a few things I love in life; long or short. Whether I'm alone or in the company of others, there is nothing in life I look forward to more than sitting in a car and watching the scenery fly by.

Lately the isolation of myself and my thoughts is all I could ever want in my life. Normally I am in a constant rush. Always stressed, my brain is overworked and incessantly thinking about the past, present and future simultaneously. When I'm in a vehicle with the music beating through the base and where no distractions can reach me, there is no other place I would rather be. There is an intense serenity that always washes over me as I stare out watching the clouds disappear behind me. I spend those few precious hours reflecting on my life and what I've done for the past year and the things I've said. Because I’m starting to live my life without regrets, I enjoy this time I get to reflect. I don't get quiet time often, and when I do, I still have a lot on my mind that I can't just walk away from.

Here's To Fresh Starts

What happens when you wake up and realize you're not that 16 year old high school kid not having to care about anything besides having fun with your friends on the weekends? I guess I'm about to find out. I’m officially on my own. 21 years old and I’m moved out of my parents for the first time. Some of you may be thinking, “I’ve been out since I was 18. It’s nothing.” Well, news flash. It’s big news for me.

I spent the majority of my life hiding from the world, the only accomplishment on my mind was making it through the school day without falling asleep or being noticed. It wasn't necessarily a lonely life, but one completely unfulfilling repeat day after day. I was that girl everyone noticed offering friendly conversation, and the one everyone soon forgot about the next day but somewhere along the way, after various events and incidents beyond my control, I found myself hating being invisible.

Throughout High School I'd done a lot of hoping and dreaming of being that girl that had all the friends. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends but I wanted to be that friend. I guess I always needed that feeling of being needed and wanted. It seemed to be the only thing of importance to me at the time... and still does to this day. But a part of me is over that. So, I came to the harshest realization I had ever made--I have no idea who the hell I am.

Who am I? That awkward, lonely girl that hated not fitting in? Or the girl who tried too hard to blend in with the crowd? To this day, I still don’t know which girl I was or am. I just know this is me starting fresh. A new adventure to a new life: to a new start. (CHEERS!) I’m dedicating this move to myself. To figuring out whom exactly I am. I do know this: I have actual responsibilities now. My roommates are going to depend on me. I’m going to depend on me. I have a presence in this world. I will live my life with no regrets and I will not sweat on the small stuff. I will sooner or later figure out who I am.

But, for now, I’m just starting…