2012 Resolutions

Confession: I've always had a love-hate relationship with New Year's resolutions. When I was younger, it seemed so easy to come up with those grand plans that I was going to accomplish over the next 12 months. And most years, when December 31 rolled around and I realized that I'd forgotten what my resolution even was in the first place, I resigned myself to the fact that resolutions and I just weren't friends.

Two years ago, I wrote of just wanting to be happy. And honestly, this sounds like a refreshingly perfect way to approach the coming year, doesn't it?

Your First Instinct.

I'd be so much better off if I could just stick with my natural reaction to things. Most of the time, my gut has initially made the right choice. But then I start over-thinking and second guessing myself...and that's when I start to make bad choices. That's the story of my life. When my gut pipes up, I need to listen. And when I listen, I need to stick with what it said. I need to stop changing my mind. 

But it's like I don't want to miss out on an opportunity, so I try everything. But what I need to do is act more often on my first instinct and just stick it out, because every time I do the opposite, I'm the one who is metaphorically screwed. (Helloooo, crap-fest that was my last breakup/make up/everything going to Hell.)

There's all these different options: do you follow your head, your heart, your gut? I'm not really sure. But if I had to listen to one and only one, I'd listen to the one that made its decision first. It's just like in school when they tell you to stick with your original answer on a test. Why? Because you're usually right. And after making so many mistakes, I'd like to be right on the first try for once.

Lounge Talk: Would you rather be gorgeous or smart?

YourTango recently asked this question on their facebook page. Now, friends, it seemed like an easy enough question to me. In fact, the answer seemed obvious. I was pretty sure I had an idea of what people were going to say. But then I started reading the 96 comments to that very question. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. That word was beginning to make me nauseous, giving me that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I've eaten too many pieces of Halloween candy corn. It's not pleasant, trust me, friends. Why? Because I've never cared much for those sorts of extremes, those ideas that you can be one or the other, but never, under any circumstances, both. So often, we're taught that if you're gorgeous, you can't possibly have brains, and if you have brains, then you must not have inherited the beauty gene. Maybe it's just me, but the ultimate in sexy is when you can be both and be comfortable in those shoes.

I did love this comment, though: "Smart - most guys will go for stunning, but any man with brains will go for smart." And a comment advocating gorgeousness above all else? Well, let's just say it knocked my socks off, especially when you read it without correcting the spelling or punctuation: "stunningly gorgeous and average smart (or a bit above average) Studies have shown that the better looking you are the more advanteges you have however there's a threshold-cross that and people feel uncomfortable around you."

That, my friends, just proves my point. Being gorgeous is definitely not as sexy as being smart.

MEMO TO MEN: The curse of nice guys

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Amanda
RE: Women love nice guys. Really.
DATE: December 15, 2011

Whether she admits it or not, boys, every girl goes through a bad boy phase. It's just something that inevitably happens, much like teenage acne and the birds and the bees talk in junior high. It's almost as if it's become a rite of passage -- a time-honored tradition that gives you a taste of the dark, wild side. It happened to me in my sophomore English class when I fell for a senior who was on his third or fourth time of taking the class and was being held back from graduation; gosh, I'd never thought underachievement could get any sexier. It also happened a few years later in when I fell for a college boy with his own apartment. Boy, were my parents upset with me on that one.

And so it's during this time that we shun you, nice guys of the world. We avoid you like the plague because to us, you represent everything we don't want: Safety, comfort and stability. We want wild and crazy. We want excitement and sheer unpredictability. We want reckless abandon. We want all of these -- even if it's only from afar.

It's sort of sad when you think about it, isn't it? Nice guys don't get enough credit. Maybe I feel for these nice guys because I know what it's like. I'm the nice girl, a sash I now wear proudly as if I've just won the Miss America pageant . When did it become such a bad thing to just be nice? Why is it so horrible to want to make someone else feel special?

Because you know something? The charm and allure of those living-on-the-wild-side wise guys eventually fades into, well, nothingness. All that safety, comfort and security? Those are suddenly the very things you find yourself craving; they're almost impossible to live without. And it's in that moment that we realize it's time nice guys finish first. Because while bad boys will sneak into you bedroom at night, nice guys will bring you hot chicken soup during the day when you're sick. Because while bad boys will do everything to avoid meeting your parents, a nice guy will walk into dinner with a firm handshake, eye contact and a smile. Because while bad boys don't want to grow up or see a need to even look into the future, nice guys do and are. Because while bad boys might be good sprinters, nice guys are in the marathon for the long haul.

You can count on one thing, boys; I'll be waiting at that finish line for you.

This Girl Can't Help It.

As much as we may deny it, I think in the back of our minds we all yearn for that happy ending. We all want things to be smooth sailing and clear waters. We want things to be simple but somehow work out.

Very rarely does this ever happen.

Yet, when things are working out, we find ourselves wondering what's going to go wrong. Things are too good to be true, right?? I know I wish I could live in a moment without wondering when the crash and burn is going to kick in and kick me out.

Because I never thought I could have all this. I never thought this would happen to me. I'm so happy, things are looking up and it's just...skyrocketing. I have my bad days, but now I have great days.

Although we may be raised on rainbows and fairy tales, I don't want to get hurt. As hard as I may try to focus on the good days, I find myself warily looking over my shoulder as to what's coming next.

Because I never thought I could have all this.

Happy Sunday Friends!

Can you believe it's the fourth day of December? I'm starting to get into that "joyabledecemable" mood. [That's what I call it.] I've always found myself happiest during these winter months. I honestly don't know when it started but every since I was younger I've always love the cold weather, the Christmas spirit, decorating my house in Christmas decorations, making snowman, snow angels, and building snow forts to follow with a big snowball fight. I absolutely love wearing hats, mittens, scarfs and layers of clothing. Nothing beats a cute pair of winter boots with a pair of jeans. Laying in the snow for hours just looking up into the sky. Catching snowflakes on your tongue as you twirl in circles with your tongue out. It's just all makes me happy.

I'm starting to break out my winter clothing because the beginnings of winter are brewing in the air, the kind that leave you rosy-cheeked and feeling like hibernating because it gets dark so early. But I'm here to complain! We've had about zero snow yet this season. What's with that mother nature? Oh, only if I could wake up tomorrow morning and see a beautiful blanket of white snow outside my window. It would make me smile. I hope we're supposed to get some snow here soon, so I can plan on sipping some hot chocolate while I catch up on my DVR! After all, that's the best kind of weekend, isn't it? xoxo

[btb. that's my christmas tree this year.]

Open Letter: Dear Marco (Polo)

This was probably the hardest letter I've ever written because for the first time my letter actually got to the person it was written for. Did he read it?? I'm not sure but he got it and I know that because I personally gave it to him. I felt like a complete loser afterward but he got it. That's all that matters. Now, I'll worry about if he read it or not... but I got all week to freak out over that. :/

Dear Marco (Polo),

I've been meaning to write this letter to you for some time now but you truly cause me serious writers block but it's time I tell you.

You know when you have a really great dream and you're super happy. Then you kinda wake up halfway and drift back to sleep, hoping to keep that dream? You know the feeling when you get that dream back immediately and continue with it? THAT FEELING.

Or when you take a walk, run or bike ride somewhere and the sun is shining, and it's warm, but not to hot and the grass is really green and the bees are buzzing? THAT HAPPINESS.

Or when it's a cool night and there's a huge storm brewing ouside, and the thunder clangs, and you snuggle deep down into the warm covers? THAT SAFENESS.

Or when you're in a crowded place, and you smile at a little kid, and their face lights up and they get a huge grin. THAT MOMENT.

That is how you make me feel. I just needed to tell you because I truly wonder if you knew how many times I've thought about you.

I'm not usually this shy and introverted, I swear, but the truth is, you're not like everyone else. You intimadate me. You're so puzzling and hard to read and I hate it.

Sometimes I wish that you were a robot. I would open you up, and cross some wires, flip some switches, push some buttons, and tighten some screws. Until you didn't act so mechanical. It might seem harsh I know, but you are one of the most frustrating people that I know. Yet you make me so nervous. I never know what to say to you when you get all geek talk on me. All I can do is just stand there, speechless. Just watching you talk.

I wish that I wasn't so awkward when I first see you. Everytime, every single time. I avoid your gaze and pretend that everyone in the room is more interesting than you, when really you are the only person I want to talk too. But I still refuse to look at you and I try to make conversation with someone near me and it's like you don't exist.

But I am so, so aware of you. Eventually I work up the courage to glance at you and you're usually talking to someone but on occasion our eyes will meet and I swear I blush and look away but I always look back. I don't know why I look back.

It's time I tell you that I adore you and have now for a while but I don't have to courage to tell you. I've dropped hints like they were flash gerandes and you were the target on a game of Modern Warfare 3, watched them explode in your face and you don't even flinch.

Maybe that's your way of telling me you don't feel the same way but I swear sometimes I feel like you know and you have those same feelings back toward me.

So I think it's about time I tell you, I don't love you; I barely know you. But I'm fascinated by your potential.

Sincerely,

Amanda Melinda Brydon

So I really like you and I think you're perfect... If it's okay with you I'd really like to make you mine because I'm falling pretty damn hard.

Oops, I meant "Hey." Damn autocorrect.

Only if I could actually send that.

Confession:

I have a big mouth, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I may be proud of these traits, but in society they have proven to not be a good combo. Who knew?

Now if only I could start thinking before I act or speak...then I might be able to make up for everything else. But we know how hard that would be for me. Besides, that doesn't sound like much fun!

Maybe one day... hmm.

Life is too short to be anything but happy.

I saw this quote while I was browsing Tumblr today: "life is too short to be anything but happy." It was one of those inspirational quotes, put over a crappy, edited photo with hipster font. And although I usually just read posts like those and keep scrolling, this one struck a chord with me. Because last night, I realized that it's true.

I may be sad every once in a while, but I need to try being happy. We all have a story that may have more downs than ups. But once we see everything for what's it worth...why not be happy? I smiled and laughed more the other night than I have in about a month. And it felt great. Sure, I'm still bummed every once in a while over the reasons why I haven't been laughing, but they can't control me anymore. I don't want to spend my life being upset over things I can't control. I want to spend it enjoying everything in some way.

So here's to a new beginning.

How many times have you gotten in the way of yourself?

I can't stop thinking about it. It's barely been twenty-four hours and I feel like I've completely shattered my world from the floor up. I'm tired of being so brash, I'm tired of living my life like it's a series of important decisions.

For once, I'd like to just live. Especially in the present. I've been so wrapped up in the future that I forgot about what was right in front of me. I took what I had for granted. I saw an escape from what I thought wasn't good enough so I threw it carelessly out the window.

I don't know what's going on with me. More than ever, I want to fix it.

Maybe I should tried harder, maybe I could actually be patient and see if this works out. If it is anything at all. Maybe I should be more appreciative of the situation I'm in. Enjoy these feelings. I keep putting the blame elsewhere but it truly should be resting with me. And now that I'm alone, it is. But I could never let it before. It's hard to deal with myself right now. I'm truly not proud of what I've done.

Maybe I'm Not So Different

I grew up with two older brothers and a two sisters. One younger and the other older. Secretly I've always wished to have had a closer relationship with my older sister or mother as a child, but without that relationship I've realized I've grown up a little different than most girls. Unlike the girls I know, I didn't grow up playing dress up and trying to put on Mommy's make up. I never tried strutting around in heels that I stole from my Mom's closet. I didn't listen to the 'in' music or wear the trendy name-brand clothing. I wasn't really into shopping. Gossip didn't exist in my world, and neither did crazy make-over parties. I didn't go out and get manicures and pedicures, which to be honest, I've still never had either.

What did I grow up with? I grew up with comic books, trading cards, pogs (I still don't know what those were for), video/computer games (old Doom anybody?), catching grasshoppers, water gun fights, watching wrestling, action movies, and gameboys. My life growing up consisted of not caring about things like buying the latest clothes or having the coolest toy. I didn't talk about the other girls in my school and wish I could be like them. I was very much an easy-going tomboy.

To this day I'm a blend of the two: girly girl and tomboy. I do enjoy shopping and occasionally I like to do some amazing make-up, but I still play video games and like to spend time with the guys. I always have gotten along better with guys, too. My personality fits that of a guy as I have been told many times before. I don't freak out over the little, insignificant things that most girls would. Most things just roll off my shoulders. I'm incredibly easy-going and I'm somewhat of a slob. I'm pretty spontaneous, I don't really plan things in advance, I just do them when I feel like it. I've been known for belching contests or wearing the same pants for a week straight (they just fit better that way...). But don't be fooled! I love clothing and sometimes it takes me an hour to find something to wear. I fix my hair like I'm suffering from OCD. I love girls night outs and talking about boys. So in the end, I guess I'm really not too different from your average girl. But you'll still never catch me complaining about breaking a nail (unless it actually hurt).

Have you ever done something simply because you knew it was the right choice, whether you wanted it to be or not? And then wanted to hate yourself for it after, although you couldn't? I hate being logical and always trying to think ahead. I definitely hate how somethings just make sense when they don't. I'm always trying to be the smart, respectful girl who does the right things. Looking out for my future and trying to take care of myself so everyone is proud of me. I like being looked up to because I have a good head on my shoulders and because I think before just doing. I make the right decisions, it's just like a simple, well-known fact. But right now, I just hate how right can be wrong and there's no inbetween. I guess all there is to do is to keep my chin up and keep pushing through--like I always do--even though I feel like I'm in this completely alone.

Flirting?!?

The concept of flirting terrifies and confuses me at the same time. Uhh what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to act?

I guess I don't understand why I should flirt when it's been pounded into my head that I should always be myself.

If I'm flirting, or, err attempting to flirt, I'm not being me. I'm the awkward, fumbling, blushing girl that doesn't know how to make small talk. I'm hardly a suave, smooth-talking babe, needless to say. So if I put on that persona to impress someone, doesn't that mean that they'll always expect that from me, even if it's not who I am?

I can't lie. It'd be nice to be able to charm any guy off the street. To whip my hair, wink, and talk "cute." But I can't do it. I'm not that girl. And if that means I'm missing some vibes? Well, that sucks. So I guess if someone is interested in me, then they'll have to get to know me enough that they know they have to wear a sign saying they're interested. I don't give out vibes and I sure can't receive them. That's normal...right?

hiatus.

I need one. Just to figure some stuff out.

I'm a top apple.

Girls are like

apples on trees. The best

ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

I found this quote and thought it was adorable.

Oh, To Be Young Again...

I constantly find myself in the toy section of any store that actually has one. Most people probably wonder why seeing as I'm going on 23 and I'm on the verge of putting my life together. No, I am not playing with Barbies and baby dolls in my free time. The truth is, other than being a total child at heart, I like to remember the days of my 'youth' (though I am aware I am still very youthful). It's always weird to me to see what little kids, especially girls, are buying as toys these days compared to what I grew up with. All this crazy, sexed up girly crap. And of course, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana dolls. And robotic puppies? What happened to the real ones you're supposed to get on Christmas or for your birthday?

So basically, this is what I remember from my childhood:

1) Furbies. I mean, come on. Those things were awesome. Of course, until you woke up in the middle of the night to "Feeeeeed meee" coming out from under your bed and some weird "ah! ah! ah!" noises. Then you wondered when a priest could stop by for an exorcism. Fun Fact: they are even more frightening when you set them on fire.

2) Pogs. I have no idea what they were for to this day, but I had a bunch.

3) Diva starz? Weren't those the ugly robotic dolls with big feet that had buttons on the shoes? I remember Christmas morning trying to get that thing to work. Snap on clothes...psht.

4) Puzzles. Dude, you weren't cool unless you did them, I don't care what you tell me.

5) Beanie Babies. Largest waste of money ever. I had hundreds and got rid of most of them, though my mom would have a heart attack remembering how much money would be lost.

6) Giga Pets. I wish these things still existed. I had this awesome cat one, but it would die on me like every night. Maybe now that I'm more of an insomniac I wouldn't have a floating angel cat every morning. My friend had a Star Wars one. Yeah, that's right. A pet Yoda. I was incredibly jealous, I'd "borrow" it sometimes...

7) Hot Wheels. My brothers had a bunch of these, though they are still around today I remember them from being a kid quite well.

8) Gameboy. Back when they were all bulky and had that ugly greenish screen.

9) Power Rangers. Who the hell does not remember when they were cool?

10) Doom. Come onnnnn. Come onnn! That game with it's laughable graphics now used to scare the shit out of me!

13) Comic Books. Whatever happened to those being cool?

14) Pokemon. I really don't think I need to say more.

So I suppose my childhood consisted of Mario Kart, Sonic the Hedgehog, and those damn pogs that I have no idea why I collected them. Maybe I was a nerd, but that's a lot of what I think of when I remember my childhood.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should just be friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul heart, a real gets-inside-you-and-​rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

-Neil Gaimon

Music Tell All

I'm completely broken at the moment. I have so much to say but then so little all at the same time. I can't speak. I can't truly explain. I can however relate to songs. They speak to me as stupid as that sounds. I can relate and I don't feel alone. My life in a playlist at the moment.

If I Were A Boy - Beyonce -- To be honest. I don't know why I had feelings for you or even let you be "that guy". You're completely a douche bag. You didn't care about me. All you were looking for was a fuck. You don't respect me so why should I respect you??

Be Ok - Ingrid Michaelson -- I had to listen to this song multiple times for a good two weeks.

The Drug In Me Is You - Falling In Reverse -- You came back into my life and since that first night we hung out I've been high on the thought of you. You made me have feelings for you again. I hated that. I felt so horrible because I shouldn't have fallen for you again. It was wrong of me.

Stay - Sugarland -- I felt horrible but than again I wanted you too and a part of me still does. It kills me to want you. :(

See The Sun - The Kooks, Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine, and Detlef Schrempf - Band Of Horses -- I'm a mess right now. I've spent hours and hours laying in bed just staring at the ceiling. These songs we're prefect to listen too.

Fallin Down - Chris Brown -- I need my Marine back to have someone to talk too.

Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO -- I do have some good moments. This songs normally gets me to seem normal and drama free for a moment.

Cry - Rihanna -- You've seem to hurt me more than anybody it seems. You break we down into pieces. I thought something was going to be different when you can back... but I was wrong. I should have seen it before it started because now, I'm broken.

Daily Thought: Don't Give Up

Nothing has been going right these past few days, one thing happens which leads to another like some horrible domino effect that I have no control over -- yet I'm not ready to give up.

Part One.

If you're reading this, I obviously posted it. Knowing that people are reading this is making me worried and blush. But honestly, this blog is a creative outlet for me. I'm honest; I'll admit to that. Your kind words on my honesty may have fed this desire to speak honestly. But I've been on the fence about posting on this. But lately I'm at a point. Why not?

Never did I imagine that I would be in this situation. NEVER!

For me it was beginning to seem like I was going backwards with guys, and I'd always thought I'd be in a stable relationship before I did anything. BUT here enters what's his name, a random guy, who's "into me", or atleast into getting into my pants. He's not fantasic looking, he's not charming, and he's not really my type, but he is a guy who seems interested. I know anything he says might not be the truth, but at that point I didn't care. But that was a lie.

Never did I imagine that I would be in this situation. NEVER!

The act itself was messy and inconclusive. There was lots of slipping and some pain, and I called it off after the first few attempts. Later, I rationalized to myself that this couldn't have been my first time because it was over so fast and hurt so badly. Now, I realize that those facts just prove its authenticity. I thought I firmly believed that it would happen when the person and time was right. Now, months and months later... I look back. That's just the way it is and I don't feel any certain way about it, good or bad. It's nice actually, to have no certain feelings about it as of now.

Never did I imagine that I would be in this situation. NEVER!

But the point is, just like , grape soda, the color purple, or Christmas time, it's something that defines me. The fact that I'm not a virgin anymore is something that makes me who I am today. I'll like to think that I contempate things more than most; I'm more than your typical overthinker.

BUT never did I imagine that I would be in this situation. NEVER!

to be continued...

Open Letter: Dear Cupid,

It's not funny. This constant need to want to talk to him, spend time with him; you're torturing me. It isn't possible and things are way too complicated right now, so please stop tugging on my heart strings like I'm an instrument at your disposal. I'm not playing any sweet songs, just let it go. You've been at this for some time now with the same guy and sometimes I'd like time to breathe.

How about we call a truce? You stop slowly killing me with the desire to hear his voice tonight, and I'll stop blaming you for all the horrible choices you've thrown at me in the past. Deal? Because I can't stand another night knowing how alone I truly am.

You made me cry last night, you know. That's an awful thing to do. I hate having to hold everything in until I'm sure no one will see me. What am I supposed to say when people ask what's wrong? Tell them I'm fine and it's normal? Because it's not. Nothing is normal about this. Why can't we be normal? Why can't I be like the couples my friends get to be? Why can't I call him up? Why can't I just text him without worrying to death who might see it? Why can't I talk to him? Why can't I just see him? I keep replaying that second day in my head when he visited me a few weeks ago. I didn't want him to leave. I hugged him and held on for dear life, which turned into me not wanting to let go at all.

So thank you for finally, bring him back into my life and, giving me that wonderful, amazing, spectacular moment. But screw you for separating it with this fucked up situation.

Unfortunately yours,

Amanda

Late Night Thought

Lately, I can't stop thinking about where I am right now. Literally. Where I am standing at any given moment and how I got there. What steps I had to take, what turns I had to make, what paths or shortcuts got me there. I'm thinking about everything I've accomplished and even all the chances I didn't take. I'm thinking about how I got to making (or not making) those decisions. I'm thinking about life as a map.

To me, life is this cheesy, stereotypical map with an infinite amount of paths, shortcuts, side roads, and detours. If you take one path, it will lead you to different paths than if you had taken a different path from the beginning. I've been dwelling for a few years on all the paths that I didn't take, rather I should have been focusing on what happened to get me where I am.

The people along the way.
The things I felt along the way.
The experiences I encountered first hand.
The things I saw. The things I did. The things I never saw until now and the things that for some reason, I never did.
Every single thing in life that I did AND didn't do influenced my life choices and decisions.

It's like a snowball effect; when this happens, it triggers this action, and keeps building up. That buildup? Your LIFE.

It's crazy how these things work out. It's just as crazy how they don't work out. Sometimes they can even be ironic.

I haven't lived as much as I could have by now. I may not have experienced as much as others who are at the same checkpoint as me. We've lived differently, and sometimes I feel like I've lived even more differently than most.

Then, there's him. We have things in common. We obviously get along well. We're similar people; we understand each other. Yet we took two of the most different paths ever....and we wound up at the same place.

It's ironic. The things we've both done, the things we've both had to experience, the two completely different lives we've had to leave brought to where we are now.

You can't help but think about what would have happened if you hadn't done something along the way, good or bad. It definitely would have influenced a thing or two. But maybe everything happened because it needed to. Maybe this domino hit that one just right.

I Tend to Never Forget. Ever.

Here's a fair warning: I remember. EVERYTHING.

This means if you plan on lying, deceiving or hurting me, I will remember it all for the rest of my life, and hell will most likely come crashing upon you.

Don't believe me? I can recall the conversation I had the first time I held hands with a boy: in the back of a bus....in the fifth grade. I remember the outfit I was wearing (now that I think about it I remember his outfit too) when I had my first kiss. I remember the text I sent when I found out my friend was dating a guy I had adored for nearly two years. I remember it all.

I have an incredibly fierce memory, and this is to be handled carefully. I advise and welcome others to take this fact and pick it apart, especially when considering testing me or trying to re-gain my trust. If you hurt me in the past, I can simply bring that moment back and flesh it out in my mind to the point where it seems like it happened yesterday. This is a beautiful curse. This is also why I find it so terribly hard to let go of grudges, and it's even harder for me to forgive (when I actually do forgive - a rare occurrence for me.)

So...just don't mess up. Because I'll never let you forget, my friend. I will never forget. I gave you fair warning.

Plus, I will most likely write about it. Eventually.

Restraint

How can I consider something that had been deemed silly, unrealistic and impossible by society? Why would I ever think it could ever happen, especially to me??

Open Letter: Dear Amanda,

What the fricken frack are you doing?!?

Being the same person as you, I know you're going through a lot. I know that you are numb and emotionally desensitized to your world drastically changing in just a matter of weeks. I know you are tired of sad eyes, and heck – you’re just plain tired. And you know what? You’re allowed to be.

It’s just that… people have walked away before, right? You completely opened yourself up to a person and held your heart out in front of them, only to have them set it down and never pick it up again. And that hurt. It stayed with you. It stays with you. That ex is the ex that will stay with you, despite the forgiveness you gave to him in your heart, despite the amends you two are making now.


You need to figure out what you want. And I would recommend doing it very soon before anything else happens.


Sincerely, Yourself.

As you have noticed,

I've been very off with blog posts, mostly because life has definitely taken over. My thoughts consist of just a few things lately and barely nothing but that anymore. As always, I'm trying to be the optimistic, smartass and highly sarcastic person I am about everything to make things not so difficult and frustrating. Spending time with friends are a must, so is immersing myself in work and trying to pick up as many shifts as I can. But what about him.... my mind can't seem to get him out.

Realizations.

No matter how hard you try,

things can't always be as clear as black and white.

Sometimes you just really have to put yourself out there

if you ever want to get anything back.

It's Been Rough

I realize it's been a while since I posted. I'm still here, I'm just going through a rough patch. It's rare that I go through a phase when I can't even put my feelings into words, but that's where I am right now.

For some reason I'm questioning everything and nothing makes sense.

It's my Birthday. Oh, Joy!

Today is my birthday, and just as I had expected, it was yet another let down. I've stopped liking my birthday years ago.

Valentine's Day--What We're Really Thinking?

It all started back in the middle ages, but no one seems to know the real story behind St. Valentine. Not that it seems to matter nowadays; Valentine's Day is all about ridiculous cards, stuffed animals, candy and chocolates, and romantic evenings. The one day of the year where everyone decides to show that they have feelings, but on February 15, we're all back to normal.

I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day for many reasons, but a big one being the cheesy nature of this "holiday". Really, what's the point in buying flowers and chocolates for your girlfriend and setting up some big romantic night for just the two of you? And why can't this happen on any other day of the year, why just one night out of all the 365? I've only ever celebrated this holiday once, not by choice, and it wasn't even any of the above.

My personal opinion on the matter? It's just another one of those days where us singletons get to revel in the fact that we are currently alone. Just another day to remind ourselves that there's no one lining up at our doors to take us out on some extravagant, one-night-of-the-year kind of date. So that leaves us with two options: being depressed or completely forgetting what day it is (until you get a million text messages on your phone telling you Happy Valentine's Day from your friends and your plan is foiled). And then you think to yourself, although vowing to never admit it aloud, "Well...there's always next year." Because secretly, deep down, everyone who says they hate Valentine's Day is more likely than to be lying through their teeth.

Under My Skin.

Well, it takes all of my strength to be stable

and I force your insults under the table.

And if you were wise, you would compromise

and allow me to live my way.

'Cos I am not a force to be reckoned with,

and you don't have no clue what you're messin with.

You can't see to the best in me

'cos it's more than your heart can take.

And hiding beneath my blankets and sheets

I'm finally free

I'm killing the ghost of you

and I'm close to awakening me.

-A. Nalick

I was debating on writing this post just because of the fact that it'll show that I'm letting one person upset me as much as he is which shouldn't be the case. But I can't deny how incredibly annoyed I am.

How many variations of "leave me the fuck alone" do I need to express before this person gets it? I have far more relevant things to worry. The last thing I want on my plate is a stalker ex boyfriend who has nothing better to do than to act like a child and throw a fit when he's not getting the attention he wants. It's pathetic.

I really believe I'm the most forgiving person in the world,
so for a person to strike out, they must be one messed up mothafucker. 

Just sayin.

Crushing Is Crushing Me

I hate crushes. I hate the word 'crush' on its own. It sounds so painful; I mean I crush spiders. Yet here I am. This is me, having a crush on a guy and feeling totally lame about it at the same time. And that happens every time I have a crush on a guy. I feel mega lame because he's all I can think about for God knows what reason and he probably hasn't even had my name cross his mind since we've kissed.

Now, I can honestly admit that I don't remember exactly everything that happened taking an count of the alcohol. I couldn't tell you why or how it happened. Who kissed who first or who led it on. I can certainly tell you that while we were falling asleep I was thinking about him laying next to me holding my hand. My stomach dropped just thinking about it.

They keep telling me how cute it is that I'm crushing on this guy, but I feel like a dork. I'd feel a lot better if I knew how he felt about our make-out session. If he only did it because he was drunk. Fine. I'll deal with that.

How I Feel (in Photos); Who cares?? I do.

My life is twisted in knots

and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say.

In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself. I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in.

I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself. I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let "time" undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up and go day by day.

My Mind is a Mix Tape.

The things that I have no control over are the things that cut me the deepest. The things I can't change are the things that keep me up at night. The things I have nothing to do with are the things that wont leave me alone. My mind gets the best of me. I know I'm an over-thinker, but this feels much deeper than that. I'm letting myself get worked up over things that I can't do anything about -- and it's tearing me apart.


I have no reason to be this way. But I can't figure out how to let things go and get them off my mind. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't change anything and nothing will ever change. It's all history, set in stone, stuck in the past. Yet I'm still dwelling on it. Even though it's truly none of my business, I'm letting it kill me. I wish I knew how to escape it. I wish I knew how to let it go. I know I can't go back and erase things, or change things to my liking but if I had the chance I would in a heartbeat.

I've been questioning everything lately.

As each little part of my life is going it's own direction, I can't help but question. Everything.
There are things that one day I can't live without and the next I just want to cut loose. But I'm scared to take action on any of these questionings. Because what if it's just a temporary phase? But what if I'm really spiraling? I've been questioning everything lately. I feel like if I don't make a decision soon, everything is going to spiral faster. Everywhere. But if I make the wrong decision, everything could fall apart. It's so like me to over-contemplate everything. But then why do I feel so different?

This is everything I've wanted. But it doesn't feel like I thought it would. It feels strange. I avoided it for so long, then took the plunge. Now I feel like I'm back at square one. Every night, I spiral. I just wish I could stop questioning, And see all the right answers fall into my hands. Or at least fill my heart.

Open Letter: Dear 2010

Thanks to those who hated me, you made me a stronger person. Thanks to those who loved me, you made my hear bigger. Thanks to those who envied me, you made my self-esteem grow. Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important. Thanks to those who worried, you let me know that you care. Thanks to those who left, you showed me that not everything is forever. Thanks those who stayed, you showed me that mean of true friends. Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who I am today.

Sincerely, Me.