Welcome to the world

Bailey Alan and Madison Scott.

December 23rd, 2010

6:09am and 6:10am.

I can't wait to see you grow up.
♥

I know that I see things in a slightly different light. A lot of people do. And it re-clicked in my head today that this is how it is. Although I'm imagining something happening, there's a good chance it won't. And if I see an expression, it could be a completely different emotion. Body language is also kinda complicated if you really think it over. Over-analyse it. Which is what I do with life all the time. I should stop. And just accept things. Maybe more luck would come my way if I just stopped questioning it all? I dunno. Just a thought.

50,000 Thoughts

The human brain thinks up to 50,000 thoughts a day.

40,000 of them are negative.

How I Feel (in Photos); Tears

“Don’t waste your time. I won’t talk to you.” Those last words that I uttered to you before I hung up on you, I’ll never forget.

I haven’t really talked about you on this blog much which is extremely odd because you truly do take up a big part of my life. It’s been three years to this day and yet I haven't had a chance to move on. What happened back this November day has completely altered my life, whether for better or worse I haven't figured out. I do know that you've haunted me these past few years, kept me in fear without even being around. I can honestly say I’m not the same person I was when I was with you. You probably wouldn’t even like me now, wouldn’t even give me a second glance. I think that’s what hurts me the most.

Part of me wishes there had been a chance for closure, some way for me to tell you what a moron you were, to find out what the hell you were thinking. But that is literally impossible.

I can’t remember what it feels like for you to hold me, to kiss me on the forehead after saying something you thought was funny, or just holding my hand. I can’t remember. For the life of me, I can’t remember what your voice was like, your laugh, your touch. I just can’t remember. I’ve woken up tired from the nightmares numerous times because I am tired. I wish I could simply just sleep but I can't. I already know why… I just don’t want to say it. But to be honest with myself it’s because I’m forgetting you. The only part of you that I can hold to is the nightmares.

Today I learned,

sƃuıɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן noʎ ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ ǝƃuɐɥɔ oʇ ʇoƃ ǝʌ,noʎ

The Elephant in the room...

I don't know how many times I sit on my bed with my laptop in my lap just staring at the screen willing myself to write something. Yet half the time my mind draws a blank. Or I start writing a few sentences and then think to myself 'who's really going to want to read about that?' and then erase everything and continue staring at my screen. Half the time I give up twenty minutes later, mildly aggravated might I add and then end up not posting a blog for a couple of days or almost a whole week or two in one case. All the while I'm forcing myself to not acknowledge the fact that I have a bad case of writer's block. I know it's there, but I'm desperately trying to ignore it hoping by the sheer false ignorance that damn elephant will take a hike and leave me be.

If it isn't apparent yet, I have writer's block right now. Except...I'm using that to fuel this blog so I have something to write about. Though occasionally my mind wanders and I lose my train of thought and I'm left wondering what to write next. Like right now. If only there was some kind of cure for writer's block, like if it really was an elephant and I could just let loose a mouse in my room, or maybe a herd of mice (herd of mice? that can't be right...) and it would just disappear for good. Or maybe I need to find a way to come to terms with it, though that makes me sound slightly off my rocker for thinking along the lines of befriending writer's block. It isn't really an elephant, obviously. But I must admit, I might welcome it a bit more half the time if it actually was. I would never get work done, but hey, at least I'd have an elephant.

When I look in the mirror,

I see a girl who is so incredibly sad. Tragically unhappy. My friends and family think I live a perfect life because I’ve learned to smile through the pain. I have mastered the ability to appear happy even when I’m not. At 18, I’ve become a phenomenal actress – showing others only what they want to see. Or what they can handle.

I am fat. No, really. I am fat. Morbidly obese is the medical term but I prefer fat. I have a fat ass, fat upper arms, a fat belly, fat hips, fat thighs and a fat face. I have stretch marks and I have cellulite.

My Body – two little words that hold such power over my feelings of self-worth. How much longer will I continue to criticize myself for wanting food, not exercising per day and not being the media’s version of what’s right? How many more hours of pinching fat on my stomach and wishing I had the courage to induce myself to vomit? What amount of self-loathing and flagellation will be enough to convince myself that I am not disgusting and irredeemably ugly? My body has been the enemy for a good sum of my life. It is something to beat down and suppress into submission.

I am tired of only seeing a chubby, mushy, worthless girl that doesn't deserve to eat or to live. I am tired of feeling slightly sick every time I look in the mirror, terrified of what I may see. Can I tolerate the image reflected back, or will I cry and decry the need to face the world while appearing so broken? I don't want to be stuck, forced to choose between subduing my body into a weak, unnatural shape and nourishing it so I can be free to move and run.

I sometimes fleetingly daydream about what it would be like to wholly accept myself, but in truth, the word “self-acceptance” has no tangible reality for me; it is a word on a page that applies to other people, never me.

I just wished I loved myself as much as people believe I do.

Why is growing up such a difficult...task? It doesn't even feel like a journey anymore, just a monotonous loop of neverending horrible situations with the occasional happy moment lodged in between. I used to be fun. I used to have fun. I was crazy, I was never home, I was loud, I was spontaneous. Now I'm all work, chores, figuring out how to grow up and get my life on track. I'm responsible and respectable, and I'm boring myself. Seeing things for what they really are has completely ruined me. Ignorance truly is bliss and without it I'm a total pessimist. Yet I lie to myself on a daily basis because I feel like one day things will get better-- easier maybe. Why is it the only time that things are truly fantastic is when we're kids? Time went on for forever and everyday was pretty wonderful. Now I feel like 24 hours in a day is nothing at all; a minute feels way too short. I just want that carefree bliss back.

Up and Down

You know how it goes, some days are up and others are down. Yesterday I started feeling down for absolutely no reason. I'm trying to stay positive and so far have been keeping on top of things. I'm praying this melancholy will speed off quickly, letting me get back to enjoying life!

Open Letter: Dear Guys

Us girls are jealous creatures. We get jealous over the stupidest things, like how many xx’s you leave on another girl’s wall, the long pause when you see a girl hotter than us, the photo comments you leave other girls, and the way you smile and hug other girls. It’s the little things that set us off most of the time, and you hardly ever realise you’re doing it. It makes us jealous when you start talking to another girl for about five minutes before you actually introduce us, we get worried when you don’t text us back within the first half an hour, we take in everything you say and study the words all night to try and work out what you meant. We get scared of you wanting to use us, all we really want is a guy to respect us, comfort us, protect us, a guy we can cry to and tell all of our problems to. We want someone who will show his affection in public, kiss us softly when we’re upset, and who geniunely cares. We want to be loved, girls are meant to be treated like princess’s.

Sincerely,

A girl

Why does this happen?

Why is it that I can be going along nicely, doing okay, and then someone gives me one piece of criticism and I feel like I’m going to fall to pieces?

Today was one of those days. I’m sitting here on the couch and feel like I can barely go on. Tears are hiding behind my eyes and I can hardly focus on the show I’m watching.

In a matter of minutes, I went from feeling pretty good to feeling completely useless, worthless and torn apart. All because of a little bit of criticism.

I can only hope that this wave of self-loathing depression passes as quickly as it started.

That Feeling

You know when you’re somewhere tropical, and it has just rained, and everything is warm and steamy and smells incredible? Or when you get up really early in the morning, or stay out really late at night in summer, and it’s dark but still humid and there’s a perfect breeze? When you listen to a song that brings back a memory of a perfect day. Or when you wake up in the winter, and someone has been up before you and turned the heater on, so you stay in bed that little bit longer just because everything is so warm and cozy? Or when you drink too much, the moment where you feel like you can take on the world and nothing can hurt you. The feeling of accomplishment when you finish something that means the world to you. When you sleep over at a friends, and in the middle of the night, you go for a walk around the streets and just lie in the middle of the road, watching the colors change on the traffic lights, holding your best friends hand. Remember when you were a little kid and the simplest things made you happy? Like blowing bubbles, or pink fairy floss, or having a butterfly painted on your cheek. Those energetic moods, when you’re home alone blasting your favorite songs and dancing like there’s no tomorrow. The feeling after you exercise, you’re full of energy and just feel like screaming with happiness. Or when you’re favorite song comes on the radio, and you turn it up really loud and sing to it like crazy. The single moment of pure adrenaline, when you’re on a ride, and the moment where you feel like you’re going to fall off, you put arms up and let go and forget about absolutely everything. That feeling. That is what we live for. That is what makes it all worth it. And right now, that is what I need. I need that feeling.

How I Feel (in Photos); Horrible Place

I wish I could stop crying.

Gregory Jordan Harris ♥

I wondered for the first time today what life would be like if I'd never met him. I know that sounds terrible, but I was thinking deeper. I was wondering where I'd be at that exact moment had he not barged into my life because let's be honest here. He pretty much did barge in. I honestly didn't even care if I meant him at the time. He honestly came out of nowhere, and I never saw him coming. I had no head start, or fair warning. He just kinda showed up and made a spot for himself in my life.

At the beginning, I didn't want him to be a part of it. I wondered who he thought he was, moving in on my life and making himself known. But then he surprised me. He won me over. I can't lie; I tried my hardest to not fall for it. To not fall for him and I don't mean fall for him as in falling in love. I mean fall for him as a person. The person he was around me. The person he was to me. My close friend. Someone I love.

But it just sorta happened. That spot he'd cleared for himself in my life became pretty comfortable. And when I pushed him out, it actually felt empty. That's when I realized what he meant to me. It took me a long time to realize how much I needed him to fill the spot he created. And now I don't want to even imagine him not being here.

I really don't know where I'd be or who I'd be. I think I really understand why he was so stubborn in the beginning; he was so stubborn to be a part of my life. I'm really glad he stuck around to show me what I couldn't see: everything that was right in front of me all along. I was wondering where I'd be at that exact moment had he not barged into my life and I truly don't care because I'm glad he was in my life. I'm glad I got to meet him and became good friends. I wouldn't change it at all.

R.I.P Gregory Jordan Harris.
3.18.87 -- 10.24.10

I love you.

I Am

I am loud, because I prefer to be.

I am a freak, because I know you’ll remember me.

I am different, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am smart, but my knowledge fades away.

I am confused, because life has so many paths.

I am thinking, my mind is always racing.

I am afraid, because so much has let me down.

I am lonely, because I know you won’t be around.

I am emotional, I guess I was born this way.

I am truthful, and I have a lot to say.

I am trustworthy, because I like people to tell me things.

I am upset, because happiness is out of reach.

I am doubtful, because so much can change so quickly.

I am self conscious, because I hate the way I look.

I am Amanda Brydon, thats all.

My Heart

My heart is ugly. I'm mean and sarcastic, mixed with this insane ability to mess things up. I don't want to be ugly anymore .I don't want to be remembered as the girl with the ugly heart. I want to be bright and shiny, remembered as the girl who loved lots, the girl who laughed easily, the girl who seemed to shine just because.

Inside each of us, there's a piece that wants to be memorable and beautiful. Maybe society taught us that. Maybe since the fall of man, we've been reaching to attain perfection. I'm not an exception to this. The thought of no one remembering me scares me; becoming faceless makes me nervous. Whether people remember me or not is still not what matters. It's still about my inside - my heart.

Don't

DON'T THINK. DON'T FUCKING THINK. BECAUSE WHEN YOU THINK YOU REALIZE JUST HOW FUCKED UP EVERYTHING REALLY IS. YOU REALIZE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT WHERE YOU ARE. YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

Fuck It

There's only so much we can all take. So much we all bare, before we fall. Crumble into pieces on the floor. There is a fine line between coping and utter failure. One day you can be doing alright and the next you're empty, lost and broken. But think about it, you live once. And really?? When your dead it won't matter, so fucking live. Go out and make a fool of yourself, the worse thing that can happen is you die and then it doesn't matter. Fuck the law, fuck hatters, fuck anyone who doesn't think your good enough.

Truth or False: #1

TRUTH: I'm so scared everyone secretly hates me.

Hope

Life at the moment is not simple. It should be but the weird situations I'm in are quite complex. And that's making me think differently. Even if life stresses you out a bit, you shouldn't let it. You should fight which is exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm not ready for a breakdown yet! It's not my que. I refuse for it to ruin my weekend. These next couple days, I'm simply going to pause my life. Everything will work itself out. Just going to keep my head down and stay busy until then, it will be okay.

And hope he'll realize.

Open Letter: Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

Let me start by saying - I wish I had your courage. Lately, you've been doing what I thought you wouldn't do. You stepped out of your box and you said what was on your mind. You took all those words you wanted to say and just laid it on the line. You told me how it is. I wish I could do that. You have no idea.

Friend, there are a lot of things I admire about you. Right now your courage is just one of the things. But there's your persistence and your determination to fight for what you know you want, what you know is good for you. I want to grab that from you and put that in my heart - that passion and fire you just seem to come across so easily. I always have this fleeting hope that if I see someone else's passion, I will be passionate about whatever I can be passionate about.

You did something that could hurt you. You became vulnerable and laid your feelings out on the line. And it could've been the hardest thing, in fact I know if all this happened months ago you wouldn't have said anything at all. Yet, you did it. I couldn't do that - be vulnerable, lay myself on the line, do something I know I need to do and do it when it needs to be done, but am so scared to do. Gosh, you have a ton of courage, my dear friend.

I will give you a thousand hugs, whenever you need them. But for today, I just want you to know that you have my full out admiration and respect.

How I Feel (in Photos); Scary Words

I tried writing a blog about what I'm dealing with the past hour now. I've got nothing. This is all I've felt okay with sharing.

How I Feel (in Photos): Why Am I

There are times when I can't put what I'm feeling into words... It's just not possible. Everytime I try it sounds pathetic. So, I thought of just letting a picture tell it for me. This will be a new type of posting for me. :]]

Falling Into Place??

You know how people say that finally that their life is falling into place? Well, I think my life might be going through that process right now. Sure, things change; there is still drama, problems, and everyday difficulties. Yes, friends grow apart and disappoint you, and you learn that you can't always make everyone happy even though you try your hardest.

I just feel more whole than I've felt in a really long time. Even though there are still problems and everyday anxieties, it seems like I am dealing with them better. I am definitely not perfect, but I feel that I am becoming a better person. I have friends that are making me a better person. I have more control over my life than I have had in a really long time, if not ever. For so long I allowed others to have control of my life, and finally I am getting the backbone to be able to take control of my own life. I may not have taken totally control yet, but I at least feel that I have more than I did in the past.

There are many people who have helped me, and continue to help me through my life journey, but I think a big reason why my life fell into place was me. My attitude changed, my insecurities lessened, and I changed.

Facebook, Sometimes I hate you

Facebook has the potential to be incredibly irritating sometimes. For starters, whoever thought that Facebook needed to be that one friend who gossiped to the whole world about your current relationship status? Why must you alert the populace when you get into a relationship, but more annoying, when you break up, Facebook? I'm sure someone is already feeling miserable enough without the "Oh hey 200+ friends, this broad just got dumped! She's now lonely and depressed, probably pigging out on mint chocolate chip ice cream and brownies, refusing to leave her bedroom for the next few weeks. Go comment and ask her what happened to make everything worse!" Because that's exactly what someone needs after a bad break up.

How about Facebook chat? Nobody really thinks about it until they log on and a message pops up. Then you start talking and suddenly in mid-sending of a message the other person is signed off, though in all reality they are still on Facebook. And you have to refresh the page repeatedly or wait for them to appear again, and all the while you're wondering if that message is really all that important and worth the hassle. Or how about the delay? Or when things are sent in multiples when you didn't even hit the enter button that many times? Or, more annoyingly, those Facebook chat creepers. The ones who seem to stalk you online and send you "Hey cutie =]" all the time as if it isn't uncomfortable. Especially when your response at your computer or laptop every time is "I don't know you, why are you talking to me?!"

Why is there only a 'like' button feature? I'm sorry Facebook, but in the real world people dislike things as well. We don't live in fantasy land where everything is perfect and wonderful. Sometimes we disagree with things people say, or are tagged in really ugly photos. Get a dislike feature already!

Those people who send multiple friend requests clearly need a life. Or maybe a new brain. I'm sorry, but if you didn't notice, I ignored your request the first time for a reason! Feel free to take a hint and stop bothering me.

Oh Facebook mobile, you as well irk me quite a bit. Whenever I have brilliant ideas for statuses, you decide to stop working. "What's that? You have a picture you'd like to upload? Oh I'm sorry, I'm going to be not working for the next few weeks. Hope you like disappointment!" I'm on to you Facebook mobile. You do that on purpose.

Unfortunately, in the end I still choose, like many others, to put up with the annoyances of Facebook. I'm not entirely sure why. Despite that, I do enjoy the fun bonding times I have confiding in my laptop and cellphone when Facebook decides to be like an irritating sibling and frustrate me.

Twins

In February 2011 two beautiful babies are going to arrive and I'll officially be an aunt.

While initially in shock and feeling terrified about the circumstances of my younger sister being so young and the pregnancy unplanned, I've warmed up to the idea since, and have been daydreaming about rushing to the hospital as soon as their born and seeing their little faces, chubby little fingers and toes.

I've always loved children and dreamed about being an Aunt and having someone to spoil rotten but I just hope I can be a good Aunt.

I can't wait until the doctor appointments, baby shopping, ultrasounds, baby showers, and of course I mostly can't wait until those two beautiful babies will be welcomed to this world with our lovely family around them. I can't wait to hold them and watch them smile and become their own individual person.

Guarantee

I have those days, those days that I feel I’m never going to be good enough for anyone. I’m never going to live up to what you want me to be. I won't be as pretty as you would rather me be, or I don’t have the body you’ll want to hold. But I can promise one thing, that I’ll be myself. Always. I’m not going to change for you but I want you to take me for me. You’re going to see my good side and my bad side, you’re going to see me at my worst, and what I think is my best NOT what you think is best for me. But I can guarantee you I will never be perfect, I’m sorry in advance.

Sleepless Nights

Sleeping has been a huge struggle for me lately. It boggles my mind as to how anyone can just fall asleep so easily, simply by resting their head on a pillow. Usually I'm laying in bed anywhere from an hour to three hours trying to fall asleep. Generally I have to keep myself up until I'm about to crash. This way I fall asleep easily and don't waste time laying in bed trying to fall asleep... but I still end up waking up through out the night a couple times at least. Sometimes I won't be able to fall asleep at all. The next day I'll feel like a lifeless zombie, and make up for the hours I didn't sleep at night with little power naps during the day but even when making up for the sleepless night, it will still take me just as long to fall asleep the next night.

Fish Out Of Water

I know a girl, a girl who has a good life, but just can't see it. She takes it for granted everyday. She can't focus on the positivity in her life. If you look in her eyes, you might just see how stressful it is for her, you might just see what she has seen, and maybe you would understand how hurt she is, but of course; she won't show it around you because she doesn't want anyone to know. And, so nobody does.

They all think she's a carefree, fun-loving girl... they couldn't be more wrong. She keeps to herself about how she feels about herself. She keeps to herself about the things that hurt her. She keeps to herself because she feels like that will just make things better. She keeps to herself, she knows it's not good for her, but she has to do it. Sometimes faking a smile is easier than having to answer, "What's wrong?"

This girl can give great advice to others, but when it comes to herself: she has no clue. This girl has been hurt by a boy many times which has made her strong, but has also damaged her. Because now, she looks at the idea of a relationship different because she's too scared of getting hurt again.

I know this girl, I know everything about her. I'm the only one that knows. I know this girl that feels like a fish out of water.

Rainbow

I’ve always found myself to be a firm Gay Rights activist and I truly believe that everyone deserves a chance to succeed in this world, including Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals... whatever. I have several friends who are LGBT, and it really startles me how mistreated they are. I mean, they are people just like me, so it is only natural that they should be respected as such.

The statement that pisses me off the most is one that I’m sure everyone has heard before at one time or another… “Two men or two women getting married ruins the sanctity of marriage.” When I see that on a little bumper sticker on someone’s car, it makes me want to ram in the end of their car and slap them. I’m sorry, I know we are all humans and we make mistakes but Gay’s being married to each other isn’t what is ruining the sanctity of marriage. I’m mean, our former president stood up in front of the entire country (mind you, he is suppose to be setting an example for the rest of us) and admitted to having an affair… but that’s ok? How is that not ruining the sanctity of marriage? The divorce rate of straight couples alone… enough said. I don’t even need to elaborate about that.

Those who are homophobic need to learn how to accept people the way that they are because we are human and every human being is different. People who can’t accept this face are not going to get very far in this diverse world. I sincerely wish the best for all the Gays, Lesbians, Transsexuals, and Bisexuals who are abused or mistreated.

What business is it of yours to tell someone else they can’t be happy?

Maybe

I can care way too much for my own good, even if it is over the stupid things. I care for things that don’t even care back. Maybe it’s in the hopes that I can change them or maybe I am a just destined for pain, that would sure explain a lot. If I didn’t care about the things that don’t back, maybe I wouldn’t be so exhausted. Maybe I’d be a little more accepting of the things that do care back. Maybe, it’d be nice if I didn’t care so much.

I don’t know where the passion to try so hard came from. Maybe it’s my stubborn attitude that I was handed from my Grandma. I could be faced with a situation that I know I can’t win; I could be in a situation where I could never be right, but I don’t stop trying. I have to keep pushing in hopes that I can come out with the upper hand. Some things that I caused wouldn’t have turned out the way they did… they probably wouldn’t have happened at all. Just maybe, I wish I didn’t try so hard.

I feel everything that happens. I feel things that I have nothing to do with me. I dive deep into situations that shouldn’t even matter, that don’t matter. I feel everything. Everything affects me in some way for form. I’m so damn emotional, even if I don’t show it. I try not to. Maybe I like the feeling of having feelings, having something to care about. Maybe it makes me feel like I have something to live for.

Thinking is so in-depth for me. Thinking is constantly clouding my brain, and even sometimes barricading what’s important. Thinking just comes so natural now; maybe because I’m doing it constantly. I have to keep doing it more and more and more to get anything done. To feel anything. I’m almost at a breaking point. I’d love to go back to thinking straight.

Maybe if I just wish I didn’t feel everything for every single thing, I would be happier. Maybe.

Open Letter: Dear Mr. Todd

I’m sorry we’ve ended up like this, letting us become what we have. I'm sorry for all those times I thought about calling you and didn’t. And mainly, I'm so sorry for letting you slip through my fingers, like sand slowly falling.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of regret. I'm not quite sure why, because I’m content with where I am at this point in my life. I really am. But I feel like I let you slip through my fingers. You were the sand in my fingers, and I opened my hand, to let you fall back. And I can’t find you anymore. You’re lost. I just don’t understand how we have come to this. We were glued at the hips. You were my best friend. I couldn’t go one day without talking to you… and now, it’s been months but slowly turning into years.

I never wanted this to happen. I know I can live without you because I have been for the last year or so, I can breathe without you. To be honest some days, I forget that you even exists. Most days, I don't even miss you. But some days… I just can’t stop thinking about the times we had and the friends we used to be to each other. Even on those rare occasions when I do talk to you, it's breathtaking. I know you. I need to talk to you, and even though I am sitting there, talking to you - I miss you then.

I always brush it off as - I miss the idea of you. I miss this ideal of what we should be having right now. When I hear a song that reminds me of regret, you quickly to sit in my head as the one I let get away. And I don't know if you know that - but that's what I feel - regret for letting you get away.

Spin

Life moves so fast sometimes. I'm actually in complete awe all the time lately, because the months keep moving so fast. July flew by, August is flying by. Everything is coming up so fast, and I don't know. In some ways, I love it.

In other ways? I want to stand for a second, watch for hours, sit for a day and just watch the world go on and on with me there to see what's happening, for me to soak in everything precious moment that seems to be flying by.

'And the world spins madly on.

Just Putting It Out There

Sometimes I want to go back in time and do things all over again; sometimes I want to change things in my past so I don’t have to pay for them in the future. Sometimes I want to go lock myself in a cupboard just to get away from the world and never come out. Sometimes I wonder whether I was put on the earth for a reason, I can’t figure it out yet. To piss people off? To change someone’s life? To walk the earth unnoticed? Or to influence a generation by change?

I try as hard as I can to be alternative. Honestly I would love to stand out as an inspiration, for people to stare, for people to talk. That’s the attitude I wish I had. If you know me, you’ll know I like to sing aloud when I know I can’t sing, I don’t hold back when I laugh, I’m quiet when I’m pissed off, I talk shit to people’s faces, not over facebook. I fall for the guys who ‘sweet talk’ girls, which doesn’t end up very good. I haven’t made the best choices in life so young. Everything I’ve said and done has made me who I am today, if you can’t accept that then just walk away now.

Lemons

Sometimes, life gives you lemons. The lemons squirt you in the face, and they hurt your eyes. You make lemonade. You sit around, waiting for someone to come and buy the lemonade so that you can move along. But nope. No one does. So you're left, with lemon juice still stinging your eyes and the bitter taste of that said lemons on your tongue.

Sometimes, life sucks

I Want A Man

I want a man who will move the hair away from my eyes, and then kiss me. I want a man who is more goofy than romantic, but knows the right things to say at the right times. A man who will throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then jump on me and kiss me a million times. I want a man who will bet kisses on who could beat who at a game, who makes fun of me just to make me laugh and a man who will surprise me with 25 cent rings. I want a man that will bet me how far I can spit my gum, a man will dance with me in our pajamas, a man who could sit with me on the kitchen floor and eat turkey sandwiches with Doritos in them. I want a man who will share his lollipops with me, and make funny faces at me when I’m on the phone. I want a man who will squirt water guns at me in the house after I’ve gotten him soaked by the kitchen sink hose. But mostly I want you back…

I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. You’ve been the first thought I have when I wake in the morning and the last before I drift off to sleep at night. Your birthday is coming up and you’re not here to celebrate it. You’re not going to turn into the 26 year old man you should be but instead you'll always be the 23 year old that you were. I think that out of everything thats what's going to kill me the most.

I miss everything about you. I mostly miss the way you treated me. I always felt safe with you, the world was perfect and everything was in place. Ever sense you left… things have fallen apart. I’m never happy. I try to be. I want to be but it just isn’t there. The idea of being with someone is just sicken to me because I know it won’t even compare to what you and I had.

Remember that voicemail you left me on my phone knowing that I was asleep and I would hear it in the morning. You probably don’t remember, but I saved it for months just to have something to smile about whenever I missed you. I remember the time we had been on the phone for four hours and you wanted me to count to three in Spanish like Dora the Explorer with you because neither of us would hang up first. I’d give anything to hear you make fun of my laugh or the way I talk about certain things, and/or I wouldn’t even mind having another one of those stupid arguments that springs up from a misunderstanding just so I could talk to you.

I’m going crazy without you but lately I’ve managed to permanently plant you in my brain. As much as I love you; you need to get you out... please!

Road Trips

Road trips are one of a few things I love in life; long or short. Whether I'm alone or in the company of others, there is nothing in life I look forward to more than sitting in a car and watching the scenery fly by.

Lately the isolation of myself and my thoughts is all I could ever want in my life. Normally I am in a constant rush. Always stressed, my brain is overworked and incessantly thinking about the past, present and future simultaneously. When I'm in a vehicle with the music beating through the base and where no distractions can reach me, there is no other place I would rather be. There is an intense serenity that always washes over me as I stare out watching the clouds disappear behind me. I spend those few precious hours reflecting on my life and what I've done for the past year and the things I've said. Because I’m starting to live my life without regrets, I enjoy this time I get to reflect. I don't get quiet time often, and when I do, I still have a lot on my mind that I can't just walk away from.

Here's To Fresh Starts

What happens when you wake up and realize you're not that 16 year old high school kid not having to care about anything besides having fun with your friends on the weekends? I guess I'm about to find out. I’m officially on my own. 21 years old and I’m moved out of my parents for the first time. Some of you may be thinking, “I’ve been out since I was 18. It’s nothing.” Well, news flash. It’s big news for me.

I spent the majority of my life hiding from the world, the only accomplishment on my mind was making it through the school day without falling asleep or being noticed. It wasn't necessarily a lonely life, but one completely unfulfilling repeat day after day. I was that girl everyone noticed offering friendly conversation, and the one everyone soon forgot about the next day but somewhere along the way, after various events and incidents beyond my control, I found myself hating being invisible.

Throughout High School I'd done a lot of hoping and dreaming of being that girl that had all the friends. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends but I wanted to be that friend. I guess I always needed that feeling of being needed and wanted. It seemed to be the only thing of importance to me at the time... and still does to this day. But a part of me is over that. So, I came to the harshest realization I had ever made--I have no idea who the hell I am.

Who am I? That awkward, lonely girl that hated not fitting in? Or the girl who tried too hard to blend in with the crowd? To this day, I still don’t know which girl I was or am. I just know this is me starting fresh. A new adventure to a new life: to a new start. (CHEERS!) I’m dedicating this move to myself. To figuring out whom exactly I am. I do know this: I have actual responsibilities now. My roommates are going to depend on me. I’m going to depend on me. I have a presence in this world. I will live my life with no regrets and I will not sweat on the small stuff. I will sooner or later figure out who I am.

But, for now, I’m just starting…